[[ life, less ]]

Saturday, June 28, 2008

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im pointing a gun towards my own head. how stupid can i get?
im running out of patience with him yet how can i get softhearted? with my itchy hands, i called him. asking where he is. just as i expected, he answered outside. for god's sake! who dont know you're outside? you're answering so stupidly and me, asked a stupid question which is as good as not asking at all.

goddamnit, since you're not replying my previous msgs, then why bother to call back? i should be used to you not picking up my calls or replying my msgs already, why doesnt i give up? im still waiting for the day you'll treasure me- f*cking stupid. i guess it makes no much difference even if you returned my call, cos it just happened so coincidentally that you suddenly remembered im your gf.

im so angry with myself, why cant i stick to my own principles? and thats why i hate myself, so fickle minded.. ass

[[ cheers ]] |1:05 AM|

Friday, June 27, 2008

______________________________

i like the way you look me into my eyes, while singing a song so touching.
i like the way you hug me in the waters, not willing to let go as you sing and stroll.
feels like i have the whole world and you to myself,
and that we're living in a moment of just you and me.
everything in non-existence, and wished the time would stop for the both of us.
but thing's changed, and we're no longer how we used to be.
but i never ever wanted to give up, just hoping for the day you'll be back again.
i'll be loving you, still. i'll be there whenever you need me to.
just speak up your mind, and you'll know i've never given up on you.
ups and downs, shall we go through together. just dont shut yourself in.
it hurts, the person who loves you so.

[[ cheers ]] |10:30 PM|

Thursday, June 26, 2008

______________________________

looking at my own postings, im creating self-contradictions. its so hilarious. i must be out of my mind and everything's so crazy. f*ck it

[[ cheers ]] |5:10 PM|

______________________________

thin line shows, not deep enough, cant feel anything. so it goes again.
i did something stupid. something which i know its too stupid to begin with, just like the past when me and my friends used to treat it like fun. but somehow or rather, i can say that my heart aches too much for me to think and 'that' actually brings a relief. it does help in diverting the pain in my heart to other place- where the thin lines are.

i've had it. stop treating me like a doll, neither am i a puppet for entertaining your life story. you're just like a little girl who will take her doll out for a hair brush, to dote on when she feels like it. and on days when she's having a tantrum, she'll just kick, throw and step on it. imagine if the doll has feelings, she cant do anything but weep in silence. and i am the doll, you really makes my heart weep. you are nice to me when you feel like it, and when you're not in good mood, you think im irritating and have too much questions to ask.

the period of one week, im so determined last night but can i really hold out for so long? everytime i ask where you are, you'll reply outside. of course i know that you're outside if not i wont ask rite? in that case, might as well dont bother to msg me in the first place if you are going to reply my question this way. your reply is as good as i'd never asked before and so what if you bother to ask me to have my lunch. i dont need your passer-by attitude towards me. i dont need your 'oh, i suddenly remembered i still have a girlfriend and its way past lunch time' attitude. neither do i need your hypocritsy, act like you still remember and concern bout me. you can save those for others girls.

[[ cheers ]] |5:00 PM|

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

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i didnt know you're on leave, i didnt know you're going for reservice soon, i know nothing bout you. now, i dont think i need to know when is your reservice. i dont think i need to know anything bout you anymore. you're so predictable. go ahead and ignore my calls and msgs if thats what you want.

[[ cheers ]] |9:00 PM|

Saturday, June 21, 2008

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i should say im desperate for help but i know its all in myself and him hopefully. maybe i should just stop hoping for hopes. im not good when it comes to talking, i've tried telling him what my feelings are but it just fail throughout. well, its good someone invented a blogger though, i can type out every little details in.

right now i can only act like nothing happen, he too. how i wished so badly to tell him that i feel so threatened in this relationship. and all i see is him ignoring those calls and deleting those msgs but who knows what's going on actually. he can jolly well did these just because im around. if i try to talk things out again, i know what's the result even before trying. he's gonna get pissed off. its not that i didnt try, i've tried several times and the results are still the same.

the day when im on mc, i was out with von and unexpectedly, she asked if i missed him. instead, i asked if i should miss him. maybe i dont really miss the leon i know right now but i missed the leon i know from the past few months.. badly.. the leon i know before things start to change.

[[ cheers ]] |2:00 AM|

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

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Take A Bow

How 'bout a round of applause
Yeah...
Standing ovation

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like the re-run
Please, what else is on

And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be
Faithful to me
Lets hear your speech ohh

How about a round of applause
A standing ovation

But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

But it's over now

[[ cheers ]] |6:30 PM|

______________________________

Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remaind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

[[ cheers ]] |6:25 PM|

______________________________

thought it through? come to think of it, i had ever asked my mum if she's worried that dad might have a scandal outside and her reply was, no. in a relationship, if the other party doesnt love you anymore, its not gonna work by forcing it. you cant make a person love you if he doesnt love you anymore. and if he's gonna hide it from you, he'll take what he'd got to keep it all from you.

im tired, and he's tired too. now, i cant be bothered anymore. its true, no point worrying so much. i could say my heart is half dead already. times and times again, different girls from different countries. that's kind of wow. each texting i miss you and i love you, call me back as such. you claim that you dont return their calls, that they might really liked you but you dont care. it seems this way to me on the surface though. deleting all their msgs and ignoring all their calls when im around but who knows what you're actually been doing? your mum told me i must trust you and love means trust and respect. its true but tell me which girl can take all these? to treat like nothing happen though sometimes i cant take it anymore and questions start surfacing. im in such a threatened position in this relationship. just dont say you're maintaining this relationship which you totally dont care at all. it hurts everytime.

im giving all my love out to someone who doesnt reciprocate at all, and to be hoping stupidly that one day, he'll return it back to me. im giving my love all out to him yet he can send sweet msgs to someone he doesnt really know and i dont think he'd ever realized that he'd never did that for me and says or text i love you to me for months anymore. just what does he want? love me, keep me. if not, just tell me and i know what to do. dont give me false hope, sometimes passionate and sometimes cold and hard like a stone.

im on mc today and you doesnt ask why. i had already told lin, that you could be feeling happy instead to have peace without seeing me for one day. im not going to contact you throughout and lets see if you will take the intiative to text me. seriously, i dont have any hopes in it.

[[ cheers ]] |6:20 PM|

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

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whats the change in you? since when did we change? because you dont answer my questions, because of my questions or because of not returning my calls? none are the root of these changes. i can just tell you, its the beginning of march, the beginning of your case.

since then , when im still unaware of what's happenning, i can only guess and which appears to be right. that something went wrong. im your girlfriend, and when i came to know about the issue, i can only watch you- somewhat struggling in deep thoughts. i know i cant do anything about it, so i thought i just want to be there for you. its hurts me so much to see you like this and thats why questions keep surfacing, hoping that you'll share a load with me. but its all my wishful part of thinking cos you're the kind who keeps his heart and mouth shut. which ends up, my approach went totally wrong and my good intentions made you thought of avoiding me, to avoid my questions. indeed its been such a rough road for the both of us these few months. now i know why you've been forcing me to break off with you.

to be exact, you say you're advising me to break off but rather, your tone is already forcing me. you say you have no future, no directions of where you're going or where it'll lead you to. been trying to live life as days goes by and doesnt have much time left. had already decided to break off with me and not to look me up after you're in. if thats what you think, then you're totally wrong cos no one has ever given up hope on you, you're the stupid fellow who's giving up on yourself and everything in life yet you can still laugh when i made this remark. and if that what you think, instead of rejecting me and my care and concern, why cant you make me happier for this period of time?

so what if im young, so what if you claim that you dun wan to waste my time. so what if you dun wan me to wait for a hopeless, useless guy as what u say u are. so what if there is alot of guys who are alot better than you? all these are up to me to decide.
i've already told you- if you walk a path with no directions, i'll walk with you. if you wan to live life as days goes by, i'll accompany you. if you walk blindly, even if it means to knock on every little things, even if you were to bleed after hitting on, i will walk to the end with you. so stop pushing me away. i choose my own path, i choose who i wan to walk with ok?

from now on, if i ever try to make a step forward, to care for you more, its ok if you reject or take a step backward. cos you cant stop me from loving you, from caring for you even if you reject it all.

[[ cheers ]] |3:10 PM|

Monday, June 09, 2008

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which girl can accept her boyfriend having another girlfriend? another girl saying i love you and i miss you. if things were like what you've said, that you hasnt been contacting her, why is she msging and calling frequently? it could be you're actually contacting her still if not, she loves you so much that for so long, she's still persevering, hoping that you'll call her back. which you really did and refuse to tell me what you've told her.

then why would you like me in the first place? and made me fall in love with you so deeply. it hurts and you arent going to do anything about it. after so many months, 10 months to be exact, you can ask if someone from other country is counted as your girlfriend. it was then i came to know bout it. my heart sinks to a bottomless pit, i always thought im your girlfriend but out of the blue, i've became the third party. you refuse to draw a clear cut just because you simply dont care, be it whether you care bout her or not, i just feel that she's back.

i dont know what's the reason why you're forcing me to break off with you. everyone's telling me that if i love you, i must bear with all these, after your case ends but its been few months, no ups but just down, down and going under. how long am i able to bear with all these? like i've said, you're an unpredictable storm which sent me crying for help but no one is able to lend a helping hand to me. or instead, no one's willing to help.

i've cried a several times and you're only getting colder and colder. its as if i could break down any time but a warm touch of your palm against mine with locking fingers brought warmth to my almost dying cold cold heart. 80% of the time, snow is falling and only 20% of the time, a flame kindles in the cold wind. i can only hope for the 20% to last longer.

asking if you still loves me, you said no without hesitating then asks me to go back and think bout it. and if i cant feel your love, whats the point of being together. so what does it mean? thanks for the gucci wallet but i've not used it till now. maybe you can send it back to her, to show that you're appreciative. she could be more worthy of it? i just want to let you know, i dont need your gifts, i need your love. but if you refuse to make a clear cut, i will follow your decision. i'll let it be. end up, no matter how hard it is for me to accept it, i will still accept it. dont say breaking off will do me good. it doesnt and my heart doesnt want to let go.

[[ cheers ]] |12:00 AM|