[[ life, less ]]

Friday, July 25, 2008

______________________________

he's my greatest disappointment of all. stupid is the word for me, everyone's telling me im wasting my time, but who will understand its the struggle between my heart and mind? my mind says its time to let go, no point and definitely i deserve someone better than him. but my heart says it doesnt want to let go yet.

just last week when he's away for reservice, i leading my life perfectly well meeting up with von and sarah, having sleepovers, attending wedding and joining my colleagues at pub. but deep down i know im just keeping myself occupied, im avoiding times when im alone for fear of missing him badly which by then, time is very hard for me to pass. until one day when i cannot hold out any longer, i asked if he ever missed me. he didnt reply just as expected. which given his character, 9 out of 10 times when i msg or call him and he doesnt reply or pick up, means he's avoiding. he knew i called, he knew he saw my msg but he simply ignores. im aware of this clearly but im always acting like i dont know anything- seriously i can be part of Hollywood. i hid my feelings, my heartache cos no matter how many times i tried talking to him, things would end up the same way it used to be.

the first msg- have you ever missed me?
no reply
the second msg- im okay even if the answer is no, and i guess the answer is no right?
no reply
the third msg- is it so hard for you to just say yes or no? i just wanted to know if you ever missed me or not.
finally he replied- you asked do i miss you, it would be no. sorry. reason? dont know, no reason. blank.
the last msg- oh, okay. had your dinner already? =)

-ends-

again, i acting. i should have known it coming, but i just want to know the truth. i can just gladly fill up his answer easily. reason? it becos you no longer have any feelings for me. once bitten twice shy, first alfred then leon. my heart should be long time, dead by now but.. the word stupid just fits me perfectly well. naturally, my heart sinks to a bottomless pit, i nearly cried but im on duty at that time. my heart tells me i should stop, my heart shouldnt beat for him anymore and he aint worth my tears. i stopped the time of my watch, Armani couples' watch that i got for him and me. and i told myself now that the time has stopped, so it shall be the time my heart stopped loving him.

few hours after i met up with von and sarah, i took out the watch to find that time had started to move again. what does it mean? im actually lying to myself foolishly. sometimes i just hope that i could wake up without any memories of him, like a symptom whereby the mind choose to forget one particular thing, shuts the mind completely out of this person like a lost memory. maybe my life would be better this way?

birds of the same kind flock together, just like guys. so typical of them to do all kinds of things for you when they fall in love with you, and to take you for granted when they've got you. a quiet person like him to be so communicable before we're together, full of sweets but now full of shit i guess? its true that things arent like the past but it had turned for the worse just within few months, too much for me to bear too much that i couldnt believe initially.

we would chat on phone or msg frequently during his reservice last year, and he would count the hours i hadnt replied his msg. he would say i miss you and i love you but the last time he ever said these to me was more than 5 months ago. its not totally necessary but its not totally unnecessary either. and whenever i felt threatened and pressured by matters evolving around him such as girls who used to fall for him, he would say nothing and change the subject. just like today. the same old answer- why still continue to be with someone that gives you pressure and threat? isnt it better to find someone good in sweet talks to make you feel so much love?
he just dont get what i mean. i dont need a guy who's good in sweet talk but i need a guy who can give me assurance when i felt threatened.

during his reservice last week, we actually contacted for not more than two days. before he book in, he said he'll call and i waited patiently for the first two days. no news from him, and i finally took the courage to msg him. slowly he start to ask if i had taken dinner and such. isnt it too obvious that he's just doing this for the sake of doing this?

for the last whole week, im trying very hard to make things feel more like how we used to be. it always takes two hands to clap so it doesnt work at all with only me trying hard. msgs i sent to him, calls i made to him though he doesnt pick up and i even asked if he remembered a phrase he ever said to me- always be with me. this phrase is meaningful, sweet and sad. all i ever wanted is for us to be the same back again and im only living in memories. i think i dont have you anymore and these memories are what i'd left with which keeps me going on. just one wish, did i ask for too much? what went wrong actually?

he even told me before- now, i doesnt even know if i ever or still love you. our relationship had been categorized as pending since then. he even admitted that he's been avoiding me sometimes, after he realized that i had loved him too much. and he doesnt want to sink in any deeper for fear of being hurt too much so he stopped loving me but isnt it unfair? i've been hurt previously too yet i still give myself another chance but he doesnt give himself or me a chance. when my life's on the rocks last year, he told me he'll wait patiently. he's eating his own words, he just sweet talking to me last year. how can he say he want to stop when he realized i've sank in too deep in this relationship? he'll just leave me hanging in the air, not wanting to put my feelings into consideration?

i knew i couldnt have loved him this hard if he hadnt loved me that way too. and what he says now is that he always had restrictions when it comes to loving me. i felt myself in great happiness in the past and he replied that happiness isnt always there. what's all these about?

i love him and i hate him sometimes. he's my greatest disappointment of all.

[[ cheers ]] |11:55 AM|