[[ life, less ]]

Monday, August 18, 2008

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she's such a questionable one. she called 18 days ago saying she's leaving singapore soon and yet i just saw her. im still wondering what she'd told him on the phone that day. or is she just faking an innocent voice while having a conversation with me? she told me that she's going to continue doing her stuffs, working and soon going back to malaysia whereas leon and i should be back to our usual life, and she's the 3rd party stuffs and such.

well, it always take two hands to clap. if he had not shown any affection to her be it the understanding kind of like or the love thingy kind of like, she.. forget it. but i can understand how a girl will feel when the man she liked told her that he actually, likes her too. someone like leon is just a fickle-minded MCP. any girl would have misunderstand ok.

[[ cheers ]] |11:12 AM|

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all i wanted is a peaceful life yet all is disturbed and gone. though its too early and young for a 20 year old girl but its tiring to stress and work and at the same time worry bout personal issues. if im given the chance to choose, i'll definitely choose living a life stress on work yet on the other side, to have a load off my mind on relations.

im starting to think that she's the reason for all the changes. i was at Palace this morning and guess who i saw. him. he met the girl there and got her something from 7-11. seems like he's happy chatting with her, something which we had never done for months. probably he'll be alot happier this way? it kinda tingles my heart very much and ouch, it hurts. indeed, ignorance is a bliss, i would have felt better without knowing and seeing so much.

even after we broke off, he always got cigarettes for me, even asked if i had taken lunch and took the initiative to bring me lunch. last night when we decided not to have dinner tgt, he called back and asked to have dinner tgt. he asked if i had changed my off day and even asked me out on this coming off, probably he just need a friend who has a car? most probably all that he'd done is just plainly friends and due to daily routines we had for the past one year.

from this, he really meant what he say by being normal friends. though i dont feel good initially yet after some thoughts, i start to let go and i think im taking this quite easily and within my pride. probably soon after i'll be real fine.

[[ cheers ]] |11:00 AM|

Saturday, August 16, 2008

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what ah soon says is right and talking to him does make me feel better too.

just when your morale is very low and you're feeling like the world had let you down, disappointed and when everyone had let you down too, no doubt that family and friends are important but cutting all the connections, leave here and get a change of environment is the wise choice. and thats what it meant by starting all over again.
anyway im already planning to leave here for awhile, hopefully as soon as possible.

its been hard, i just cant help but think that im always hanging around with a bunch of hypocrites. i've been a fool in front of everyone else when they actually knew whats going on. i should understand that they are not in any position to voice out cos in a relationship, outsiders cant say much. its just so hilarious when i come to think of it, im the only one hidden in the dark about whats happening around me. and it just hurts so much when i truly treat everyone like friends instead of plainly colleagues.

just in one week. at first, i got to know a very good sister of mine turning to something which none of us should.
the second day, the one who lifted me so high up in the sky and just let go of his hand suddenly, the one who made me fall.
the third day, the one who's always there for me when im feeling down turned to that as well. so what's new to me? just as the next day would be better, things gotten worse again.

he, who's always there for me actually told me that we need to give time another chance to heal feelings inside us and thinks that he can do it, why not me. and if we were to try hard enough together, we can overcome lots of obstacles. in fact, thats what i used to believe in, that as long as both sides keep trying, they can overcome all obstacles but ended up im always the one who's been trying. but what do i get? time and time again there's only disappointment. give time the chance to heal all feelings? then does time or anyone else gives me the chance? apparently not. all along im being naive, this world and time is cruel, they'll only let one live in regret and doesnt gives any chance to start all over again and only let one live in memories. anyway, time and time i've been hoping, till finally even faith left me.

i've learnt not to expect much cos the higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment, the harder the fall and hurts even more. i give up, what will come next? sitting by, waiting for the next present to come knocking on my door. i think i can handle it quite well? just by feeling numb.

[[ cheers ]] |2:20 AM|

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

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Best I Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

[[ cheers ]] |11:15 AM|

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

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Everytime We Touch (Slow)

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so... I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so... I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.

[[ cheers ]] |10:50 AM|

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

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its been 6 days. memories filled me up everywhere i go. and wherever i go, every places we've been to before simply reminds me of him. we'd covered almost every places so where can i hide? out in town, reminds me of the four months working in Nike, sending and fetching me whenever he's free. Outside LV boutique where we'd met after he came back from thailand, the hug he gave which took my breathe away. The long walk we took from bugis to ps on my birthday, the birthday song he sang so shyly. every route i drove simply leads me to his house. even back at my room which i sometimes dread going into, the purple walls which we spent two days painting, the bed we hugged and slept soundly in. and i dread the idea of knocking off, i dread the idea of being alone, the emptiness in my heart. knowing that he's no longer mine to keep.

i just cant help wanting to see him and msg him. but truth always hurt, i just knew more and there's more for me to know. maybe ignorance is a bliss. at least someone finally told me the truth although its abit too late. i always thought the world is simple and pretty but all along im the one who's too naive to think that way. the world is actually dark and ugly. i need to leave here, i need a getaway to sort out my thoughts before im back on track again. as what leon always say, im 20, time to grow up.

im not alone, von's always there for me these few days. kelvin always happened to be there when i needed someone. i've been wanting to let sarah know, so i guess talking in person is always better but we have tight schedules. i know im not alone but its the loneliness in my heart.

[[ cheers ]] |11:00 AM|

Friday, August 01, 2008

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everything's going perfectly well even after dinner with everyone. yet just when im grateful for this period of time where he's by my side with all other colleagues, planning to have some drinks at a pub, his phone rang and i knew the girl called again.

just who is she to you? i think as your girlfriend, i have the right to know. and why am i always the one who have to act like nothing happened when something seems to be going on between you and other girls? its always the same old words from you that you never ever bother to spare a thought for my feelings and since being with you is such a painful thing, why would i still choose to be with you. you simply dont understand, the reason is very simple cos i love you and im not going to let go of this relationship just because of this. the reason is because i treasure this relationship unlike you. since you're always so unwilling to say anything, cant be bothered to explain anything to me to make me feel assured, im going to find it out myself. i just dont understand why is it so hard for you just to give assurance to me.

now, you blame me for calling her. i did not tell her that im your girlfriend for more than one year, i just wanted to know if she liked you and she did. whats worse, you ever told her that you liked her too. till this point of time then you tell me all along you only had me in your heart and there's alot of definition for the word 'like'? i simply dont understand how you can say you liked her when you says im the only one in your heart all along? just because you thinks that she's very understanding whereas i dont understand you a single bit even after more than one year? so the very next minute you told me we're over. not because you liked her but because i dont understand you and always ask so many questions. everyone's been asking me to understand their feelings and situations, its not that i didnt but did anyone ever try to understand my feelings and situations? all i ever wanted is you to share everything with me, be it good or bad cos it simply hurts me to see you so troubled. its true im of no help but i just wanted to be a listening ear, and im pretty sure that i'll always be there whenever you needed someone. im not using tears to bring you back but tears just keep flowing, and you appeared emotionless and monotonous.

great, let you misunderstand me even more. its so unfair. just by calling her yesterday night, i had done a 'great' favor to myself by losing you. would i be so stupid to call her again just to make you hate me even more? twice she called my cell, twice i took my phone out of the room to answer her calls. first i confessed that im your one year long girlfriend. second, she couldnt reach you so she called, telling me she's returning to malaysia soon and wish to speak to you. i think im being magnanimous enough to pass my phone to you, neither did i f*** her or warn her for calling you. but the next thing you did after putting down the phone was to shoot an angry and disgusted face at me asking if i called her again. do i really deserve all these? god knows what she'd told you and you would rather believe someone like her whom you knew for few months instead of a girl who used to be your girlfriend for more than one year? doesnt seem like you understand me either.

[[ cheers ]] |11:00 PM|

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yesterday night, my tiring and dramatic life movie had ended. bruised and hurt but i unable to let go. i tried to save it from ending, but the reaction i'd received is so emotionless. this min he can say all along he only had me in his heart but the next min what i hear is that he couldnt be soft hearted anymore and so this is it.

"after a year and what do you understand bout me?" this sentence had been repeating itself in my mind and what i wanted to tell you is that i do understand you. you're such an introvert who keeps everything to yourself. my only mistake is that i had asked so much which makes you so unhappy and uncomfortable being with me. but i couldnt just stand and look at you, wondering what's in your mind, troubled with your case maybe? all along i just hoped that you'll at least share your troubles with me yet you'll always leave me guessing on my own. the more i tried to show more concern for you, all the more you'll drift away from me. you're always the one who rejected all my good intentions, and im always the one who's been trying to make things better and back to how we used to be.

you're an unpredictable storm, sometimes cold yet sometimes hot. how am i supposed to adapt to your temperamental behavior? or even a split personality? just when im already getting used to your ignorance towards me. definitely i dont feel good bout this, but since that's what you want then that's how it shall be.

maybe on that week when he went for reservice, i should have stand firm on my idea of sending his pets back to his home and end this relationship, maybe i wouldnt have been hurt so badly and he's happy. all along i should have admit to the signs of his coldness towards me, when he said he didnt even know if he still or ever loves me. how i spend every hard days is by living on the past memories which the fonder the memories, the harder it is to let go. always hoping everything will turn out better. like what keith says, all along im aware of it but i've been living my life in denial which nothing matters anymore so long as he's by my side and which i can forgo bout everything else too. i've cried so badly in front of him, holding him as he pulled his arm away and he doesnt even look me in the eyes, its definitely obvious to the core yet i still refused to admit to it.

and now, he left after painting my room for me. i've been crying unknowingly.
just when you've decided to settle, to be with your other half for the rest of your life, thats when you find it harder to accept when he's gone the next min. i always thought i had him, but now he's no longer mine to keep. in fact, few months ago, he's no longer mine.

[[ cheers ]] |8:00 PM|