[[ life, less ]]

Thursday, March 10, 2011

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oh my god. i can't continue reading our chat log. all the memories will come flooding in and it'll be harder to let go. hard to leave, harder to stay which all along, i knew what i had to do though my heart and mind is still having a debate over this.

for several weeks, i knew he liked me but he doesnt have the courage to approach me. its thru words of friends and thru friend's help that he managed to get my number. then we started chatting almost everyday and found that we do have the chemistry. i enjoyed talking to him but i admit i'm trying to avoid him at times. he's always wanting to meet me but i rejected all of his suggestions. my reason? cos im attached to an engaged man.

24 dec 2010, we're partying at club july for the christmas countdown followed by lighting up kongming lanterns and i invited him along. i gave him one lantern and i wonder what wish he made then.
25 dec 2010, he invited me to his housewarming party but i had a chalet to attend. i wished i could go but my friends didnt allow me to leave upon knowing that im leaving becos of him.
26 dec 2010, the second day of his housewarming. he wished i could go, so i decided to go too and his friend came to pick me up. i was shocked at the sight of his house, i'd never expected it to be so grand. i left soon as im meeting my friends for coffee.
there's this day when i was at his place watching movie and in his mini apartment, he held my hand. that was such an awkward atmosphere! and he told me he really liked me. i knew it but he knew im attached too. i could remember clearly what he told me, "seriously, what are you thinking of? your boyfriend's engaged and he's got no time for you. in what way is he counted as your boyfriend? now, there's a man who wants to treat you right and gives you a good life but yet you refused." this sentence was ringing in my mind every now and then since.
28 dec 2010, we were all at club july and after we left, he suggested that i sleep over at his place and he'll send me to the coach the next morning. he knew im catching the morning coach to ipoh to meet my boyfriend. he picked me up from my house and we're almost silent throughout the journey to his place. then back at his place, he told me he'd long regarded me as his girlfriend and im his priority whereas he's just an option to me. he hated it and does not have the habit of sharing girlfriend. neither can he accept me having someone else. that was when i felt pressurized, cos he's not giving me any time to think things over.
29 dec 2010, on the way to the coach. we're silent. i broke the silence and told him something's holding me back from the trip to ipoh. he told me, "then dont go. stay." in the end, i still chose to go cos the ticket was already purchased. why didnt it come across my mind that the ticket was just a mere 40 bucks? he told me the feeling suck, cos its like sending his girlfriend off to another man's arms. i left with a real heavy heart even when im up the coach and cleared the checkpoint. i felt like coming back.

the reason why i chose to go is becos i'd wanted to clear things up with my boyfriend. i wouldnt want to carry on anymore cos im so sick and tired of being caught in between he and his fiance. like i used to say, if i knew he's engaged in the very first place, i wouldnt even had started with him. i'd wanted to see for myself if we could work things out for the last time but he proved to me that im nothing to him. im ending everything with him once and for all.

those days in ipoh were hard, he's in my mind at all times which i dont even know why. i just felt like coming back in advance. i wanted to talk to him, whatsapp him or something but he seemed quite cold. till i saw his facebook status. "perhaps its a blessing to be single. seriously tired and shag out." he's giving up. things changed drastically after my return. we talked lesser and lesser and while i missed him more and more, his feelings were fading bit by bit. its almost like we dont know each other anymore. he was so freaked out to be in any relationship and yet i had to give him that killer shot once again. his reaction? to refuse all feelings. initially, my heart told me not to go but i went ahead, then it told me to come back but i didnt. twice i ignored signs my heart warned me of and it turned out to be true, i lost him.

"world is cruel, love is blind. time had passed, flame had died. heart is broken and she is not mine."

[[ cheers ]] |7:50 PM|