yesterday once more

2011-08-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

Months passed again. And I'm back to the married man. The former mentioned? Well, turned out to be a jerk and not just him, met a few jerks along the way too but the married man is the only one who stayed throughout. All of us saw the effort he put in for wanting me back. But things weren't going as smoothly as we thought it will. Too many negative forces trying to break us up. I wonder when this whole thing will end.

2011-06-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

真的没办法找回遗失的感觉吗

2011-03-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

oh my god. i can't continue reading our chat log. all the memories will come flooding in and it'll be harder to let go. hard to leave, harder to stay which all along, i knew what i had to do though my heart and mind is still having a debate over this.

for several weeks, i knew he liked me but he doesnt have the courage to approach me. its thru words of friends and thru friend's help that he managed to get my number. then we started chatting almost everyday and found that we do have the chemistry. i enjoyed talking to him but i admit i'm trying to avoid him at times. he's always wanting to meet me but i rejected all of his suggestions. my reason? cos im attached to an engaged man.

24 dec 2010, we're partying at club july for the christmas countdown followed by lighting up kongming lanterns and i invited him along. i gave him one lantern and i wonder what wish he made then.
25 dec 2010, he invited me to his housewarming party but i had a chalet to attend. i wished i could go but my friends didnt allow me to leave upon knowing that im leaving becos of him.
26 dec 2010, the second day of his housewarming. he wished i could go, so i decided to go too and his friend came to pick me up. i was shocked at the sight of his house, i'd never expected it to be so grand. i left soon as im meeting my friends for coffee.
there's this day when i was at his place watching movie and in his mini apartment, he held my hand. that was such an awkward atmosphere! and he told me he really liked me. i knew it but he knew im attached too. i could remember clearly what he told me, "seriously, what are you thinking of? your boyfriend's engaged and he's got no time for you. in what way is he counted as your boyfriend? now, there's a man who wants to treat you right and gives you a good life but yet you refused." this sentence was ringing in my mind every now and then since.
28 dec 2010, we were all at club july and after we left, he suggested that i sleep over at his place and he'll send me to the coach the next morning. he knew im catching the morning coach to ipoh to meet my boyfriend. he picked me up from my house and we're almost silent throughout the journey to his place. then back at his place, he told me he'd long regarded me as his girlfriend and im his priority whereas he's just an option to me. he hated it and does not have the habit of sharing girlfriend. neither can he accept me having someone else. that was when i felt pressurized, cos he's not giving me any time to think things over.
29 dec 2010, on the way to the coach. we're silent. i broke the silence and told him something's holding me back from the trip to ipoh. he told me, "then dont go. stay." in the end, i still chose to go cos the ticket was already purchased. why didnt it come across my mind that the ticket was just a mere 40 bucks? he told me the feeling suck, cos its like sending his girlfriend off to another man's arms. i left with a real heavy heart even when im up the coach and cleared the checkpoint. i felt like coming back.

the reason why i chose to go is becos i'd wanted to clear things up with my boyfriend. i wouldnt want to carry on anymore cos im so sick and tired of being caught in between he and his fiance. like i used to say, if i knew he's engaged in the very first place, i wouldnt even had started with him. i'd wanted to see for myself if we could work things out for the last time but he proved to me that im nothing to him. im ending everything with him once and for all.

those days in ipoh were hard, he's in my mind at all times which i dont even know why. i just felt like coming back in advance. i wanted to talk to him, whatsapp him or something but he seemed quite cold. till i saw his facebook status. "perhaps its a blessing to be single. seriously tired and shag out." he's giving up. things changed drastically after my return. we talked lesser and lesser and while i missed him more and more, his feelings were fading bit by bit. its almost like we dont know each other anymore. he was so freaked out to be in any relationship and yet i had to give him that killer shot once again. his reaction? to refuse all feelings. initially, my heart told me not to go but i went ahead, then it told me to come back but i didnt. twice i ignored signs my heart warned me of and it turned out to be true, i lost him.

"world is cruel, love is blind. time had passed, flame had died. heart is broken and she is not mine."

2010-08-10T03:15:00.000-07:00

I mind her too much, so much that I feel very affected each time your phone rings. I'm getting so paranoid that I think I might go crazy sooner or later. I fear losing you too much. Deep down I know your workload is wearing you down and I shouldn't add on to your troubles anymore but teach me how to let go! My heart and mind has been struggling for almost two weeks and I'm feeling very tired. I couldn't find my answer still and instead, my suspicion is getting stronger as days goes by. Oh my. Somebody teach me! I lost my confidence totally. Despite you trying so hard to assure me repeatedly yet I'm still being so paranoid. I know one day you'll get tired of me if I continue behaving this way. I'll try to find my self back hopefully.

2010-07-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

today, i feel so down and restless and i dont know why. not in the mood to do anything, refuse to do anything. after school, i've got nowhere to go, nothing in my mind and home doesnt seem to be my choice either. its just 1pm! in the end, i went home still and i think i slept more than enough yesterday but im still tired. supposed to watch some shows but i fell asleep till evening.

now, time flies too quickly to me. in a blink of an eye its night time again. whats wrong with me? i want to do nothing and im wasting my time totally. its what i wanted eh but i dont feel happy deep inside. not even a bit of shiokness. like everything around me has gone dead, i dont feel anything. plus the same old bad dream is taking place inside my mind now, and im afraid i'll go into it again when i sleep later. its eating up my brain, its suffocating.

i missed him. badly. since sunday. maybe a lil too much that i felt breathless and maybe this is what makes me restless. too bad we stay too far apart, i cant seem to get enough of him. days ago i had a dream, that he proposed to me. and how i wish this dream would continue. i want a life with him, and never ever had such a thought to be with a particular someone so strong before. 他就像是我生命里的终点, 我的最终站, 我的投靠港. how is life going to be without him? he makes me forget what is sad and hurt. he healed all my past wounds and its been a while since i last felt how these two words are. i hope i'll never need to feel them again.

time is too short, feels like i will die tomorrow. and what if i really die tomorrow? i want to tell him i really love him alot. and till now, i'd never said i love you neither did i hear him say that too. "baby, do you know that my love for you has surpassed far more than what i feel for leon last time? and i dont want to live without you."

2010-07-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

三生有幸

曾害怕跌到谷底里会永不翻身
曾被当作笑话取笑你却很关心
当天很天真只想找开心
这种小丑怎能变你爱人

无论我再错多几次你也不灰心
斗胆的跟你比怎比都不算相衬
一位很讨欢心一位肮脏粗心
今天竟将奢想成为可能

三生有幸我似是初生
谢谢你永不放低这个人
一起相拥共同浮沉
比钞票更见吸引
千般风光比不上你一吻

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
明天清晨牵手观看日出
感一感恩

其实我过去都很怕怕接触婚姻
身边知己结婚不安得彷似监禁
花心终於真心差不多想逼婚
可不可将奢想成为可能

三生有幸我似是初生
为令你幸福我都可勇敢
一起相拥共同浮沉
比钞票更见吸引
千般风光比不上你一吻

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
如此的人竟得到你着紧

用我的一生
当小小一盏灯令到你安枕
贪玩的终会觉悟无须找寻新的人
用我的一生
天天坐你附近令到你安心
天主很宠爱我吧
明天清晨牵手观看日出
感一感恩

2010-07-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

6 months since. and indeed so many things can happen in 6 months. im glad i left him, totally this time. i moved on, far from him and we're no longer in contact.

some days back in early march, when we quarrelled big time. thats the day when senses really knocked me hard in my head. that you dont deserve my love at all. 'if you were to ask if i still loved you, the answer is no. the feeling is dead' i think i'll remember this sentence from you forever. as a reminder for myself and definitely not how you tried to hurt me with it. i didnt grieve over this break up, im not sad although i did miss you at times (at that time but not now anymore) since you dont appreciate me at all, why should i stay? why make my life so hard?

there's a guy who's always there for me. a guy who's always willing to listen to my woes and cheer me up each time you made me sad. a guy who came all the way from tampines just to see that im okay. each time you hurled abusive words at me, thinking im shit and nothing but this guy here, who thinks im as precious as a gem. this guy whom i hurt so deeply becos of a boy like you.

i hurt him by going back to you. i hurt him by making all his efforts to make me happy go wasted. i broke his heart totally, leaving him all by himself, shunning him in order to make you happy. but you're never happy. and im never happy going back to you either, cos i betrayed my very self, betrayed my character making the wrong step, wrong step of going back to you. you'll only see my lies and blinded to the reason why i came back to you. i forgo a guy with everything for a boy with nothing. the boy is you! how is it possible that a guy who only knew me for a few months know me inside out? more than you, who knew me for 2 and a half years do.

thousands of apologies can never make up for what i've done to him. i felt so sorry and sad yet he, despite being the actual hurt one, smiled and consoled me. saying he knew i didnt mean to make such mistake. then he clubs and drinks to keep his mind away from thinking and his brother told me he's like a lifeless soul at home since. days goes by and he started to avoid my calls. this cold treatment is almost unbearable! he ever said he'll be my guardian angel but this guardian angel now is ignoring me. i almost lost him for good. i only realised what i've lost and learnt to appreciate him and all he'd done for me. his cold treatment didnt last for long and we're back in contact again.

some days back in mid march, he knew about the breakup. and told me he wants me back again. but he's too afraid of history repeating itself therefore no actions done. he didnt come by as often as last time, all the last times now seem so far, so hard. i thought that all arent coming back to me again and i almost gave up. i felt us drifting and he had his reasons for doing so. i cant blame him either, cos all are created by my very own hands. i can only wait cos he says time will prove everything. so i waited, i want him to see that im very sure of my decision now and i want him to trust me once again.

it took me so much to set everything right again. now my life is back on track. this wonderful guy who made my life so perfect and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. happily.. this wonderful guy, my perfect love, my oscar tsang.

3 jun-6 jun 10. once again, our genting-ipoh roadtrip with few of our friends and i found all the memories we had last year. 12 sept 09 the night when i knew him in power house and a daring me, who went ipoh with him just one month later without 2nd thoughts on 23-26 oct 09.

2010-06-21T00:55:00.000-07:00

当一个人在生活中没了目标与推动力, 他会觉得就算死了也无所谓. 但是一旦有了目标与推动力, 自然会觉得时间总是不够, 变得很怕死. 以前的我就像个游魂, 成事不足, 败事有余. 只会把时间浪费在无谓的事情上. 可是现在的我, 很怕死. 因为我有了事业的目标, 也有了你在我身旁支持着, 你就是我的推动力.

2010-01-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

this day, the day which changed everybody's perpective of life. everyone's heart is filled with regret, mind filled with (i should have done this and i should have done that)s and eyes filled with tears. yes, no one expected things to turn out this way and it shouldnt turn out this way at all! totally inhumane and cruel. she's gone now and there's nothing i can do for her, not even a proper send-off. as the chinese saying goes, 'heaven has eyes'. we shall see and he will get what he deserve but a simple death sentence is too easy on him. he should feel thousand times more of how my dear friend felt at the brink of death.

death- a word which became very scary all of a sudden. experiencing the loss of a friend now and i fear of losing more, we've still got a long way to go. i've learnt that its just a thin line between life and death and anything can happen in the next second.

actually i didnt do my part as a friend and am i suited to be called her friend? totally unaware of how she'd been for the past many months like i've lost touch of the world. where am i when she needed someone and imagine putting myself into her shoe now. am i feeling what she's feeling back then? lonely, scared and helpless. it does send shivers down my spine. this whole day my mind is so preoccupied, but with nothing. i cant get over it, cant accept it and wished that its not true. wake myself up from this bad dream or whatever. we cant turn back time and i kept recalling the news i saw.

-------
many years back, we're a group that hang out at the arcade so frequently. living in our own world having fun and so much laughters from evening till midnight. i remember our favorite games, photo hunt (everyone's trying very hard to break our own record) and beatmania too.

our group, lamerz.

-------
in life, people chose and walked a different direction and pace but since our paths crossed and we met, its an affinity that we became friends. once a lamerz, always a lamerz. you'll be remembered and may you rest in peace in paradise.

in loving memories..

2009-11-05T12:30:00.000-08:00

not to think too much? i cant read your words and actions. i dont feel that you actually liked me. maybe you're just going along with me, i'll never know.. i dont know why and since when i bother so much about you whereas nowadays you dont really bother anymore. i actually feels bothered and mind so much! i've been missing you easily lately and does it means im beginning to like you more? how do i tell you i like you when im already in a mess?

2009-11-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

3/11
dont say you like when you actually dont. its just a crush and admit it. you're still waiting? instead, after you're back things felt different. you simply cant be bothered!? and now it seems like im the one who's trying too hard. you assumed that i still have him and i loved him. you didnt know you've already held a place in my heart and i dont know why im so concerned about you still. sigh.

2009-10-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

this day, we've shared the same sentiments. end it all and stop putting the blames on one another. a mutual agreement so lets move on. simply, i cant accept your gambling habits which became part of your daily life. soccer daily and casino monthly? taking a break? com'on, arent we in the same line, oh so you're the only one who needs a break and im stuck in sg slogging away. how considerate of you! im tired of trying so hard whereas you kept falling backwards into that shithole. like its the end of your life? keep wasting it away and someday, realise what an useless person you are. all the best.

2009-09-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

as im listening to 98.7 playing angel by robbie williams, im overwhelmed by sadness all of a sudden. as i piece my life together till now, im asking myself. am i really happy? i dont think so. though life is full of uncertainty and one shouldnt worry too much but im sitting here thinking too much. too much that i can bear cos its so dark ahead of me. living aimlessly and i dont even know what are the things i want to do, what suits me best. holding onto the past too much then i cant seem to move on. oh dear.. didnt i used to be a very happy-go-lucky person? 21 years old but i feel like i dont have much time left, stressed ah!!

2009-05-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

thanks so much.. you've made me learnt the real meaning of 'ai cuo'

2009-04-19T03:30:00.000-07:00

do i really have to make a choice between the ones i love? why cant you accept me for who i am, love me for who i am? why is it so hard to maintain all these? does my friends really play such an important part that you mind so much? last time you dont bother at all, why does things have to become like this? saying im not the one for you and you're not the one for me. it might be true and its just because of love, we held on knowing that there wont be any happy ending. i dont have much time like you do so you're just wasting your time here and there. all i want is a stable relationship so i need not worry about this issue anymore. i need to focus on my career, my future and i have alot of goals in life. so i'll make a choice, either or neither.. i need to move on and im sure i can lead a life by myself, since i cant bring myself to end everything, then stop evolving around my life..

so you think its funny when i say im looking at a better future for the both of us? since you dont want to be part of it then leave it.. simply saying im not the one for you and someone deserve me more than you. glad that you know it. i just dont understand what's holding me back. im not the one for you then why do you still want to be with me? isnt it very nonsensical? you love me and thats why you want to be with me but you know that we wont have an outcome. arent you holding me back? just what game are we playing? why come back when i thought that i had already let you go that time? this kind of upset words can always come out from your mouth so easily- "you're not the one i wanted" oh great, im disappointed but it isnt that great anymore. you'll only be walking in circles and stay at the same spot since you never intend to do something about your life. i just dont understand why im still trying to push you to move on for greater heights. since you simply dont care about your life, why am i worrying for you?

when someone doesnt appreciates your presence and your help, no matter how hard you try to make him understand, its never going to work..

2009-04-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

yes, im stupid. i gave you the chance to hurt me again. i will not let you hurt me like last year again so if this is your decision, i will leave. i just dun understand why you can bring yourself to be so harsh to me. if someone says he's on diet, who will ask if he wanna have dinner together again? now you blame me for not having the intention and blame me for being stupid. thanks for the second year of emotional torture. you're right, why must i be with you if im feeling so hurt everytime. so now, i choose to end it all. im not sweet to you? how good am i as a gf? so im actually all shit, you think im shit. cos you're always the one who msg me first? so you're gonna condemn me and forget bout all those i've done for you? im not sweet at all, let it be if this is what you think. its such a laughable relationship.

i was expecting the bangkok trip to be a very happy one but we're quarrelling almost everyday. showing one kind of a face to me as if i did something wrong and i deserve it while von and jackson is enjoying every single bit of each other's presence.

2009-03-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

when im alone, i start to think things through. how is it possible for you to think that you're not in the wrong and obviously you think that its alright for you to treat me like that last time, last year.. how can i forget the way you treated me like shit? you're never in the wrong. i held on for a year, it wasnt easy for me. all the tears i've shed, till the day i told myself you are no longer worth my tears. when im hurt and sad, i cried, in front of so many people still, made myself look like a fool, a crybaby and all you think is im being nonsensical.

for the first time when we broke off, just few days later i saw you meeting up with her. yes, just friends but how would i feel? you rejected walking to the bus stop with me saying you've got something on. so thats what holding you back. and i stood there like a stupid fool again, while you guys were happily chatting away. you only see what she's willing to do for you and yes, you're touched. you thought of giving her the chance. you turned a blind eye to me, always saying things that hurt me, doing things that hurt me.

you ever asked what i had done for you, you see none of what i've done and sacrificed and since you're unable to see it then its no point for me to say any further. i just dont understand.. im so unappreciated yet i cant let go. guys went after me knowing that im attached, not one but three or four thus we ended up having so much misunderstanding among ourselves. so what if guys go after me? you're my one and only and im being wholehearted to you, i've did nothing to betray you but you just dont see the whole point. that all the mental torture and silence i get from you- is so unbearable.

you chose to ignore me, you went missing in action, i tried to contact you from night to day, you chose not to return my calls and yet you can reply my messages. my thoughts ran wild, im worried for you yet to hear that you're actually out drinking with your friends. i cried over fustration then you blame me for probing so much. what did i get from you? all i get is blames and coldness.

dont girls wish that their guys will be sweet and warm? yes, you're sweet and warm but not to me. you're saying i miss yous to her and she's saying i miss yous and i love yous to you. this wound, is etched onto my heart so deeply.. i've been thinking, is this the leon i used to know? who is this guy, my boyfriend only in name. she'd replaced me totally, you're saying i miss yous to her and no longer to me. all i do is wait in silence, smile and forget about everything when you wished me good night once in a blue moon. just a good night that i've been waiting for so long which sent me high up in the sky. how foolish can i get? while every night im waiting for your messages, you're actually happily on the phone with her. while we're working at different branches, you guys were actually seeing each other daily. colleagues whom i treated as friends kept me in the dark. you ever had this feeling like the sky is crumbling? now, i shut myself up on almost everyone. who can i trust anymore? although we're always together but together in silence. you're so cheerful when it comes to everyone else but when there's just you and me, everything gone still, cold and quiet. how would i feel? just tell me if you wish to end everything. my heart, all these bits and pieces like a broken mirror.. can it be mended ever again?

just as this guy came along, he filled up all my loneliness. i might sound desperate but how would one feel when someone out there who is just a friend is actually doing a better job than her own boyfriend? arent i sad? if our love is so strong, would anyone be able to come in between us? firstly is her, then him. now you're blaming me for everything. make me sound like a total bitch. im not trying to push all the blame to you. i knew it always take two hands to clap.

the first break off makes me cant think straight. i bought stuffs which i dont use, shirts that i cant fit in, ended up giving all away. bought a mont blanc gift for a guy who used to like me. im not myself. im devasted, but do you know? no.. and when you came to know bout it, you blame me again. said im rubbish.. knowing that you'll be unhappy yet i chose to tell you the truth. cant i just say someone else's name? you ever said, let this year be a new beginning. so i decided not to hide anything from you anymore and that's why i told you the truth. indeed, truth always hurts.

in between all the break offs and patch backs, finally im the one who chose to give up and ended everything. you answered so steadily, then i told myself this is the truth im seeing. i should take it well since you're actually taking it so well. your always cant be bothered look- how would i know that you're upset and was waiting for me still? since thats the case, i told him i will give him the chance. we got together but in between as my heart waver, my uncertaintity hurt him. i thought i can let you go but no. then i decide to try out once again, thought things will be over and well. but when you came back, my heart turned back to you once again then i realised that all along, by saying i dont love you and i've already let you go, im actually lying to myself.

now, our new beginning. thought things will be better but turn by turn, we're bringing up the past. our arguements were heated, its never ending. as both of us cant forget the betrayals, you blame me for all and who is able to understand?

2009-03-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

i've let this blog die down, since so much had happened. just too tired, too much for me to think and say. well, life still goes on and im pretty sure this is the final result. i'll be with you hoping everything goes smoothly. someone ever told me to learn making decisions and not regret. now, you evolve around my life and i should have expected to miss out other things in my life. but its just that i didnt know i'd missed out so much. im actually quite saddened over it, probably jealous that im not included? i wished to be part of the picture too and enjoy among everyone's presence. anyway its a good thing to see my friends enjoying themselves. i did see all the comments on facebook but i didnt ask. i didnt know anything about it and thats why.. partly, working on shifts work is this sacrificing and i did say im damn broke. i cant go anywhere either eh.

2008-12-28T23:30:00.000-08:00

this day, i've decided to leave you. i want to be out of this cat and dog race which never ends. a part of me doesnt want to leave but its no longer a point for me to hang on. im not going to turn a blind eye to all and just as expected, your answer is just an 'ok'. so this more than a year long relationship has come to this point where you cant be bothered anymore then whats the point for me? its very disappointing but since you can accept it so readily then its really the time for me to move on.

2008-12-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

things have changed and i cant find myself back, things can never be the same again. i will do what i can for you but dont be surprised that one day, i'll leave. you might not be bothered, it doesnt matter to you. i want to love you still but love doesnt mean i have to have you by my side. you will be happier without me and with me around, its just a burden. like you've said, this is the worst you've ever had..

probably the one out there is the one for you, the one who loves you so much. no matter how unhappy, how bothered i am about this whole thing, it just doesnt stop and you doesnt seem to bother either. anyway the limit is almost there. this whole year isnt easy for me and you think that its alright for you to treat me this way. some things i just dont understand and never will i understand. you'll only see what she'd done and what she's willing to do for you, but you will never see this part of me. i held on although you've hurt me so.. i tried not to mention anything but some things will never be erased from the back of the memories.

2008-11-16T02:00:00.000-08:00

this girl and this guy..

this girl asked for a transfer and came to this branch.
by the time comes to changing shift, she saw this guy who walks in which initially she doesnt notice him much.
graudually, she realise and wonders why this guy always end up leaving work late.
and who knows, he's the one who cant tally up the revenue thingy.
the mentor of this girl, gave advices to her when she face issues with her boy as her boy hates her working there whereas she likes the job.
cracks surface in her current relationship.

for a month, this guy and this girl only had one chance to work on the same shift together.
as conversations grew in 12 hours, they talked about tattoos and pets, gradually she found out that they do have lots of common interests.
as days goes by, her mentor asked if that guy in their branch do stand a chance in any way and she said yes.
by then, she had gotten this sign that this guy fell his eyes on her.
with no choices left, the girl had to quit her job and on her 2nd last day, this guy took medical leave just to join this girl and her mentor for dinner.
they were in contact since then and had lots to talk about.
slowly, she found out that they indeed, do have lots of common interests such as bad in spicy foods and such.

they met up, to watch him get inked on followed by pub then club.
at the pub, this girl confessed that she had a liking towards him, this guy smiled shyly.
club was their next destination and without realising it, they held hands and hugged each other.
tired out, they decided to talk a walk.
while holding hands, chatting and walking, they walked all the way from st james to siloso beach and find nothing over there.
disappointed, they made a detour, this girl kissed him on his cheeks
the night just ended in a flash.

whenever this girl goes clubbing and this guy have to work, he trusted her to be on her own.
this day, she dropped by the branch this guy is attached to before she goes clubbing.
he handed her 100 bucks.
this girl had fun clubbing with her sister and gotten drunk.
then she went back to that branch and checked in. feels like she is going to throw up and staggered to the exit.
as this guy followed behind, this girl sat down, held a trash bag and started throwing up.
this guy then hugged her and pat her gently on her back.

her ex-boy, for 3 and a half year, disliked her hanging out with her friends.
her friends, all hated him and sees that he is controlling her.
this girl couldnt enjoy much in her secondary school times where all are having fun.
ex-boy refused to give up and pestered on. yet this guy said gently 'i will wait and be patient.'
finally this girl ends all with her ex-boy. she feels like a bird out of a cage.
she had all the time in the world to hang out with her friends but now, all are attached and settled down.

this girl found herself a part-time job and this guy fetched her whenever he's on day shift.
waited till closing, walked her around town, hung around with her friends and walked her to the bus stop.
at times they will hang out at pubs, this guy would sing for her and look her into the eyes. so gently and lovingly and she will always melt.
everytime they meet, they wished time wouldnt pass so fast.
till the time this guy went thailand, she waited for him and missed him badly though its only three days.
this guy cut short his trip to spent few days with her. this girl worked and missed him so.
her area manager says he can see how much she loves him.
the day he's back, he fetched her after work. this girl waited eagerly for this guy to show up, LV shop is their meeting point.
when they met up, this guy hugged her so tightly in his arms and felt like she cant breathe. back at dfs he sacrificed his fav. liquor for her fav. liquor and gave her as a gift.

this girl would often drop by his workplace to send him choc cakes or cheesecakes. without fail, this girl would always wake him up, be it 5 am or 5 pm.
one day, the shop manager gets touchy with her.
she's scared yet she kept it from him when she gives the wake up call.
a big hoo-haa was stirred but she decided to drop the case.
After work, this girl went to find this guy. and told him everything.
this guy was so angry, he raised his voice. and hugs her after that.

then, this girl re-join the company again.
as soon as this girl got the permission to drive her dad's car. this guy would always bring her wherever she wants to go.
brought her to beaches and parks, to a beatiful and peaceful reservoir.
1st dec, they got into a minor car accident and had to fork out for the repair. with no much cash left, the guy apologise sincerely for not able to give the girl a good birthday celebration.
to her, he was already the best birthday present. 6 dec, they met up for dinner and walks to the bus stop. the girl requested for a birthday song and the guy sings shyly.
she melts. to this girl, there's nothing more she could have asked for.

soon, it will be the wedding day of the girl's sister. they shopped for dresses and shirts and got her nails done.
meanwhile, this guy went missing for ages.
finally this guy came back and just before they got into the car, he stopped her.
to close her eyes and turn around. then this girl felt something on her neck.
its a swavroski heart pendant.
its definitely the best surprise for her and this girl had been wearing it since then without fail.

this girl is in haven.

time comes when this girl start to feel that something's wrong. but this guy refuse to say anything. this guy says he got an appointment and ask her mentor to bring her out.
finally, her mentor couldnt hold on anymore. she broke the news to her.
this guy had a pending case and he could be imprisoned anytime.
a case many years back and came crashing down on this guy suddenly. this girl was so shocked, tears keep flowing down her cheeks.
this girl's not supposed to know and she had to act like she know nothing at all.
heart broken and sad, this girl can only look at this guy silently.
many times when she saw how troubled this guy was, she can only keep quiet.
it hurts her so much.
by the time comes, when this guy finally told her, this girl cried hard on his chest.
she would wait for him no matter what yet this guy wanted a break off initially.
he did not want the girl to suffer along with him and wanted this girl to find a better guy.
but no matter what, this girl had decided to stand by his side.

29 feb, her 2nd driving test and this guy had to go to court.
sends her a message to buck her up and says 'pass the test for me'
this girl was overjoyed when she really passed this time. and happily drove her dad's car to fetch this guy from home.
this guy got her a gift, a gucci handphone strap, a matching pair. she's so happy, as this is what she wanted to get for the both of them initiallly. to find out that they actually had the same thoughts.

this girl dont sing at all, she cant. but a day when this guy requested 'i'll be there for you', this girl promised to.
weeks passed, this girl searched for the song, memorised and listened to it everyday.
'i'll be there for you,
these five words i swear to you,
when you breathe, i wanna be the air for you,
i'll be there for you.......'
one day when they were at a club with their colleagues, she fret over the best time to sing for him.
finally, she pulled this guy close to her and sing it to his ears.
she saw how this guy smiled. so sweetly and shyly.

gradually, this girl cannot stand looking at how troubled this guy was.
this guy refused to update her about the case therefore she started probing on and on. he hated it.
this guy no longer can withstand all the questions and he decided to ignore this girl.
day by day, this guy gets colder and colder. this girl could no longer feel love from him.
then, one particular mobile number always call this guy up. although he did not pick up the call, this girl feels something's wrong.
for more than 5 months, she acted like nothing had happened before. she even ignored all 'miss you' messages though she's heartbroken.
one day till she can no longer hold on, she question this guy yet this guy refused to say anything.
this girl made a decision to call this number up.
then she found out about this mutual liking they had for each other.
the guy's angry, the girl's sad. this guy requested for break off and ignored this girl no matter how hard she cry, how sorry she is.

the next day while painting her room, that girl called and asked to speak to this guy. this girl then passed her phone to him but after their conversation ended, this guy snapped at her, accusing her for calling that girl. heartbroken but this girl dont have any reasons to call that girl anymore. after the painting, this guy collected his stuffs and left. this girl cried as his figure gets smaller and smaller.

10 over days had passed, she's been crying all night. trying to smile at work while her heart is always crying.
everywhere this girl goes, reminds her about this guy as they had walked almost everywhere together, leaving behind sweet memories.
she dont want to go home, his towel, his toothbrush, his photos.
she stayed out late, she didnt have much appetite, she club and drink, get high and dance. she didnt want to forget about him, but all the reminders are too heart aching.
sometimes they do meet up for movies though. and this guy still buys her lunch and cigarettes.
they had missed the fireworks last year so this year, the fireworks festive, she asked him out.
this guy agreed, and this girl was so happy.
but this guy cancelled it last minute. disappointed, she went back home.
there's a day when this girl went to find her collegue at palace, to find that this guy is there.
but he's meeting that girl and gave her something too.
it feels like a knife had just pierced through this girl's heart, and seems like everything froze.
this girl thought that its the end for the both of them and that's when she start trying to forget him.

one and a half month, this guy called up. and asked to try things out again.
when he learnt the truth that this girl ever try to forget about him, he cannot accept it.
so actually all along, this guy knew this girl had been going out very often and he had been waiting for a chance to get back together again.
yet to this girl, she thought that she dont have the chance anymore, therefore she no longer drop by his branch.
this guy said, if he no longer had any feelings for her, he would not have bought lunch and worry if this girl have enough cigarettes.
feels like something is missing in his life and its impossible for that girl to replace her.
as their relationship got better, this guy often sleep over at this girl's house to accompany her.
this girl is so happy yet at the same time, she could not get over that girl's existence.
she mind so much about her and she had no confidence at all. she's living in a shadow and she's very insecure.

just as things went well and smooth, this girl still cant get over that girl.
she feels very unstable and scratched her arm.
she's scared. and this girl is me.

2008-10-29T02:50:00.000-07:00

how i wished you'd never shown up in our life. my once 'almost perfect' life became topsy turvy and drop me from haven to hell. i dont ask for much, i want nothing but a simple life yet someone has to come by and destroy what i thought was beautiful. life's unfair and the world is ugly. why cant you just go away?

traces of her are still around, its hard for me to get over it.

2008-10-13T01:05:00.000-07:00

you're still the same. am i the only one who need to change? you ignored all my calls and the reason is because you just dont feel like picking up my calls. arent you childish too? and i've said im sorry, what else do you want me to do? you makes me feel so miserable. i've said im real sorry and been feeling so bad about it, and you're making it worse for me. i brought you cheesecake from town as a form of apology, and to see your emotionless face? its my off day, i'd never complained going back to the same old workplace where i spend 12 hours each day.

is it necessary for you to reach this extent? its so amusing, your answer is yes. im your girlfriend and you're treating me like an enemy. patience? its all fake

2008-09-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

you cant get over the fact that i chose to smoke with that pimp, and thats how i feel when you compare me with that whore. dont this kind of life irritates you? evolving around us are pimps and whores, arent you tired of all these? you dont intend to end all these and again, it seems that im the only one who's putting up all the 'stop' signs. you're still contacting her? i would be so happy if she dont contact you for one whole day. everywhere we go, everywhere we are, she just couldnt stop calling you. i had enough ok.

yea, we're trying things out for now but everything doesnt change, things are how it used to be before we broke off, with her around. i had told you before that its gonna be never ending, and you still dont intend to do anything about it? just let her call you while you ignore all of 'em? i had told you before that i wont know how long i can take all these and soon its gonna reach my limits. dont say that i dont allow you to contact girls. you should know clearly that all along i dont mind till the day she came into the picture. of all girls, she's the ONLY one i had mind about. you dont like it when some guys call, you think they're your threat. same for me, i seriously mind bout her as she pose a threat ok.

i had enough of all these. freak

2008-09-08T02:05:00.000-07:00

anyone out there troubling bout what to get for me as a gift? this is it! haha

2008-09-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

"she's getting over it and starting new life. i should get over it too." i dont dare to come into assumption that he's referring to me but in fact, he is. he says i've changed and he thought this is the life i always wanted and is much happier now. he says im having lotsa new friends and enjoying it but what he see is only what he see, he doesnt understand my feelings deep down. what i really wanted is to have a peaceful and stable life, back to the days when we were really happy. dont i want a life taking care of our pets, going into JB, looking at new pets and shop around? dont i want to rest and relax, watch a movie after a tired working week?

like i told you before, everywhere i go reminds me of you. im lucky to have friends who's willing to accompany me, so that i wont think so much. like i told you before, the heart feels so empty and lonely without you- i choose to avoid, to go out everyday cos im scared and dont want to be alone. you're the one who told me to start a new life and everything will be fine yet im the one who cant do it. after that day, i did think things through. i've told my closest friends that i've moved on, and i no longer think of you anymore. i realize im lying to myself again. whether i'll wait is no longer an issue cos i'll let fate and you to decide. if you think there's not even a single space for another chance, just tell me and i'll really move on with my life. i still remember that you used to tell me not to sink too deep into this relationship, its true we never know what's going to happen in the near future but since the day i said i love you instead of i like you, its the day im willing to commit. yet you are the one who's not willing to and ended up liking a whore. in the near future? this is what happened.

you're always hot and cold, its hard to keep up with your pace. well, í've learnt to look on the brighter side of life.

2008-09-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

ten over days of hell, i've thought things thru. i dont blame him for the fact that i feel so cheated yet it still kind of irks me at the thought of being compared with a whore. she's understanding and has a nice body? thats crazy and bullshit. which whore doesnt acts understanding enough to earn more bucks? which whore doesnt acts like she's an angel?

i will leave all decision to him, i dont know if i should still wait or move on? everyone's asking me to move on thats for sure but either way, i wouldnt want to regret the second time. pace around, remain at the starting point and wait for the race to end? his msn nick- 'she's getting over it n starting a new life. i should get over it too.' who is he referring to? i hope my guess isnt wrong this time. i can only say 'your photos, your toothbrush, your towel- is always here.' i hope he's referring to me and i hope that he'll be able to see my nick.

i've ever thought, what if we get together again? will things be the same? will he be able to stop contacting that whore again? he'd done it once, like a whore and anytime he can do this to me the second time. sometimes i feel like he's just making use of me. to fetch him and to collect the tanks, contact me when he needs to place a bet or to seek my advice regarding something he's unsure of. i know i should stop being his puppet if i really think that he's making use of me. i've told von that i no longer care about him, i've told komathi that i wont want him back if he cant give me any assurance and i just realize i lied. all along i've said all these becos im avoiding deeper feelings and becos of the fustration at the thought of being compared with a whore. deep down, i still think of him and deep down, my heart still aches when i talk bout him. Edmund ever told me, that i still love him cos i still talk bout him and my expression changes at the thought of him. i always say im fine as usual though.

what does he want actually? the both of us at the same time? thats impossible and f*cking crazy. he's always hot and cold, i dont know what he's thinking bout and no one's able to tell me the answer.

2008-08-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

she's such a questionable one. she called 18 days ago saying she's leaving singapore soon and yet i just saw her. im still wondering what she'd told him on the phone that day. or is she just faking an innocent voice while having a conversation with me? she told me that she's going to continue doing her stuffs, working and soon going back to malaysia whereas leon and i should be back to our usual life, and she's the 3rd party stuffs and such.

well, it always take two hands to clap. if he had not shown any affection to her be it the understanding kind of like or the love thingy kind of like, she.. forget it. but i can understand how a girl will feel when the man she liked told her that he actually, likes her too. someone like leon is just a fickle-minded MCP. any girl would have misunderstand ok.

2008-08-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

all i wanted is a peaceful life yet all is disturbed and gone. though its too early and young for a 20 year old girl but its tiring to stress and work and at the same time worry bout personal issues. if im given the chance to choose, i'll definitely choose living a life stress on work yet on the other side, to have a load off my mind on relations.

im starting to think that she's the reason for all the changes. i was at Palace this morning and guess who i saw. him. he met the girl there and got her something from 7-11. seems like he's happy chatting with her, something which we had never done for months. probably he'll be alot happier this way? it kinda tingles my heart very much and ouch, it hurts. indeed, ignorance is a bliss, i would have felt better without knowing and seeing so much.

even after we broke off, he always got cigarettes for me, even asked if i had taken lunch and took the initiative to bring me lunch. last night when we decided not to have dinner tgt, he called back and asked to have dinner tgt. he asked if i had changed my off day and even asked me out on this coming off, probably he just need a friend who has a car? most probably all that he'd done is just plainly friends and due to daily routines we had for the past one year.

from this, he really meant what he say by being normal friends. though i dont feel good initially yet after some thoughts, i start to let go and i think im taking this quite easily and within my pride. probably soon after i'll be real fine.

2008-08-16T02:20:00.000-07:00

what ah soon says is right and talking to him does make me feel better too.

just when your morale is very low and you're feeling like the world had let you down, disappointed and when everyone had let you down too, no doubt that family and friends are important but cutting all the connections, leave here and get a change of environment is the wise choice. and thats what it meant by starting all over again.
anyway im already planning to leave here for awhile, hopefully as soon as possible.

its been hard, i just cant help but think that im always hanging around with a bunch of hypocrites. i've been a fool in front of everyone else when they actually knew whats going on. i should understand that they are not in any position to voice out cos in a relationship, outsiders cant say much. its just so hilarious when i come to think of it, im the only one hidden in the dark about whats happening around me. and it just hurts so much when i truly treat everyone like friends instead of plainly colleagues.

just in one week. at first, i got to know a very good sister of mine turning to something which none of us should.
the second day, the one who lifted me so high up in the sky and just let go of his hand suddenly, the one who made me fall.
the third day, the one who's always there for me when im feeling down turned to that as well. so what's new to me? just as the next day would be better, things gotten worse again.

he, who's always there for me actually told me that we need to give time another chance to heal feelings inside us and thinks that he can do it, why not me. and if we were to try hard enough together, we can overcome lots of obstacles. in fact, thats what i used to believe in, that as long as both sides keep trying, they can overcome all obstacles but ended up im always the one who's been trying. but what do i get? time and time again there's only disappointment. give time the chance to heal all feelings? then does time or anyone else gives me the chance? apparently not. all along im being naive, this world and time is cruel, they'll only let one live in regret and doesnt gives any chance to start all over again and only let one live in memories. anyway, time and time i've been hoping, till finally even faith left me.

i've learnt not to expect much cos the higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment, the harder the fall and hurts even more. i give up, what will come next? sitting by, waiting for the next present to come knocking on my door. i think i can handle it quite well? just by feeling numb.

2008-08-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

Best I Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

2008-08-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

Everytime We Touch (Slow)

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so... I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so... I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.

2008-08-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

its been 6 days. memories filled me up everywhere i go. and wherever i go, every places we've been to before simply reminds me of him. we'd covered almost every places so where can i hide? out in town, reminds me of the four months working in Nike, sending and fetching me whenever he's free. Outside LV boutique where we'd met after he came back from thailand, the hug he gave which took my breathe away. The long walk we took from bugis to ps on my birthday, the birthday song he sang so shyly. every route i drove simply leads me to his house. even back at my room which i sometimes dread going into, the purple walls which we spent two days painting, the bed we hugged and slept soundly in. and i dread the idea of knocking off, i dread the idea of being alone, the emptiness in my heart. knowing that he's no longer mine to keep.

i just cant help wanting to see him and msg him. but truth always hurt, i just knew more and there's more for me to know. maybe ignorance is a bliss. at least someone finally told me the truth although its abit too late. i always thought the world is simple and pretty but all along im the one who's too naive to think that way. the world is actually dark and ugly. i need to leave here, i need a getaway to sort out my thoughts before im back on track again. as what leon always say, im 20, time to grow up.

im not alone, von's always there for me these few days. kelvin always happened to be there when i needed someone. i've been wanting to let sarah know, so i guess talking in person is always better but we have tight schedules. i know im not alone but its the loneliness in my heart.

2008-08-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

everything's going perfectly well even after dinner with everyone. yet just when im grateful for this period of time where he's by my side with all other colleagues, planning to have some drinks at a pub, his phone rang and i knew the girl called again.

just who is she to you? i think as your girlfriend, i have the right to know. and why am i always the one who have to act like nothing happened when something seems to be going on between you and other girls? its always the same old words from you that you never ever bother to spare a thought for my feelings and since being with you is such a painful thing, why would i still choose to be with you. you simply dont understand, the reason is very simple cos i love you and im not going to let go of this relationship just because of this. the reason is because i treasure this relationship unlike you. since you're always so unwilling to say anything, cant be bothered to explain anything to me to make me feel assured, im going to find it out myself. i just dont understand why is it so hard for you just to give assurance to me.

now, you blame me for calling her. i did not tell her that im your girlfriend for more than one year, i just wanted to know if she liked you and she did. whats worse, you ever told her that you liked her too. till this point of time then you tell me all along you only had me in your heart and there's alot of definition for the word 'like'? i simply dont understand how you can say you liked her when you says im the only one in your heart all along? just because you thinks that she's very understanding whereas i dont understand you a single bit even after more than one year? so the very next minute you told me we're over. not because you liked her but because i dont understand you and always ask so many questions. everyone's been asking me to understand their feelings and situations, its not that i didnt but did anyone ever try to understand my feelings and situations? all i ever wanted is you to share everything with me, be it good or bad cos it simply hurts me to see you so troubled. its true im of no help but i just wanted to be a listening ear, and im pretty sure that i'll always be there whenever you needed someone. im not using tears to bring you back but tears just keep flowing, and you appeared emotionless and monotonous.

great, let you misunderstand me even more. its so unfair. just by calling her yesterday night, i had done a 'great' favor to myself by losing you. would i be so stupid to call her again just to make you hate me even more? twice she called my cell, twice i took my phone out of the room to answer her calls. first i confessed that im your one year long girlfriend. second, she couldnt reach you so she called, telling me she's returning to malaysia soon and wish to speak to you. i think im being magnanimous enough to pass my phone to you, neither did i f*** her or warn her for calling you. but the next thing you did after putting down the phone was to shoot an angry and disgusted face at me asking if i called her again. do i really deserve all these? god knows what she'd told you and you would rather believe someone like her whom you knew for few months instead of a girl who used to be your girlfriend for more than one year? doesnt seem like you understand me either.

2008-08-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

yesterday night, my tiring and dramatic life movie had ended. bruised and hurt but i unable to let go. i tried to save it from ending, but the reaction i'd received is so emotionless. this min he can say all along he only had me in his heart but the next min what i hear is that he couldnt be soft hearted anymore and so this is it.

"after a year and what do you understand bout me?" this sentence had been repeating itself in my mind and what i wanted to tell you is that i do understand you. you're such an introvert who keeps everything to yourself. my only mistake is that i had asked so much which makes you so unhappy and uncomfortable being with me. but i couldnt just stand and look at you, wondering what's in your mind, troubled with your case maybe? all along i just hoped that you'll at least share your troubles with me yet you'll always leave me guessing on my own. the more i tried to show more concern for you, all the more you'll drift away from me. you're always the one who rejected all my good intentions, and im always the one who's been trying to make things better and back to how we used to be.

you're an unpredictable storm, sometimes cold yet sometimes hot. how am i supposed to adapt to your temperamental behavior? or even a split personality? just when im already getting used to your ignorance towards me. definitely i dont feel good bout this, but since that's what you want then that's how it shall be.

maybe on that week when he went for reservice, i should have stand firm on my idea of sending his pets back to his home and end this relationship, maybe i wouldnt have been hurt so badly and he's happy. all along i should have admit to the signs of his coldness towards me, when he said he didnt even know if he still or ever loves me. how i spend every hard days is by living on the past memories which the fonder the memories, the harder it is to let go. always hoping everything will turn out better. like what keith says, all along im aware of it but i've been living my life in denial which nothing matters anymore so long as he's by my side and which i can forgo bout everything else too. i've cried so badly in front of him, holding him as he pulled his arm away and he doesnt even look me in the eyes, its definitely obvious to the core yet i still refused to admit to it.

and now, he left after painting my room for me. i've been crying unknowingly.
just when you've decided to settle, to be with your other half for the rest of your life, thats when you find it harder to accept when he's gone the next min. i always thought i had him, but now he's no longer mine to keep. in fact, few months ago, he's no longer mine.

2008-07-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

he's my greatest disappointment of all. stupid is the word for me, everyone's telling me im wasting my time, but who will understand its the struggle between my heart and mind? my mind says its time to let go, no point and definitely i deserve someone better than him. but my heart says it doesnt want to let go yet.

just last week when he's away for reservice, i leading my life perfectly well meeting up with von and sarah, having sleepovers, attending wedding and joining my colleagues at pub. but deep down i know im just keeping myself occupied, im avoiding times when im alone for fear of missing him badly which by then, time is very hard for me to pass. until one day when i cannot hold out any longer, i asked if he ever missed me. he didnt reply just as expected. which given his character, 9 out of 10 times when i msg or call him and he doesnt reply or pick up, means he's avoiding. he knew i called, he knew he saw my msg but he simply ignores. im aware of this clearly but im always acting like i dont know anything- seriously i can be part of Hollywood. i hid my feelings, my heartache cos no matter how many times i tried talking to him, things would end up the same way it used to be.

the first msg- have you ever missed me?
no reply
the second msg- im okay even if the answer is no, and i guess the answer is no right?
no reply
the third msg- is it so hard for you to just say yes or no? i just wanted to know if you ever missed me or not.
finally he replied- you asked do i miss you, it would be no. sorry. reason? dont know, no reason. blank.
the last msg- oh, okay. had your dinner already? =)

-ends-

again, i acting. i should have known it coming, but i just want to know the truth. i can just gladly fill up his answer easily. reason? it becos you no longer have any feelings for me. once bitten twice shy, first alfred then leon. my heart should be long time, dead by now but.. the word stupid just fits me perfectly well. naturally, my heart sinks to a bottomless pit, i nearly cried but im on duty at that time. my heart tells me i should stop, my heart shouldnt beat for him anymore and he aint worth my tears. i stopped the time of my watch, Armani couples' watch that i got for him and me. and i told myself now that the time has stopped, so it shall be the time my heart stopped loving him.

few hours after i met up with von and sarah, i took out the watch to find that time had started to move again. what does it mean? im actually lying to myself foolishly. sometimes i just hope that i could wake up without any memories of him, like a symptom whereby the mind choose to forget one particular thing, shuts the mind completely out of this person like a lost memory. maybe my life would be better this way?

birds of the same kind flock together, just like guys. so typical of them to do all kinds of things for you when they fall in love with you, and to take you for granted when they've got you. a quiet person like him to be so communicable before we're together, full of sweets but now full of shit i guess? its true that things arent like the past but it had turned for the worse just within few months, too much for me to bear too much that i couldnt believe initially.

we would chat on phone or msg frequently during his reservice last year, and he would count the hours i hadnt replied his msg. he would say i miss you and i love you but the last time he ever said these to me was more than 5 months ago. its not totally necessary but its not totally unnecessary either. and whenever i felt threatened and pressured by matters evolving around him such as girls who used to fall for him, he would say nothing and change the subject. just like today. the same old answer- why still continue to be with someone that gives you pressure and threat? isnt it better to find someone good in sweet talks to make you feel so much love?
he just dont get what i mean. i dont need a guy who's good in sweet talk but i need a guy who can give me assurance when i felt threatened.

during his reservice last week, we actually contacted for not more than two days. before he book in, he said he'll call and i waited patiently for the first two days. no news from him, and i finally took the courage to msg him. slowly he start to ask if i had taken dinner and such. isnt it too obvious that he's just doing this for the sake of doing this?

for the last whole week, im trying very hard to make things feel more like how we used to be. it always takes two hands to clap so it doesnt work at all with only me trying hard. msgs i sent to him, calls i made to him though he doesnt pick up and i even asked if he remembered a phrase he ever said to me- always be with me. this phrase is meaningful, sweet and sad. all i ever wanted is for us to be the same back again and im only living in memories. i think i dont have you anymore and these memories are what i'd left with which keeps me going on. just one wish, did i ask for too much? what went wrong actually?

he even told me before- now, i doesnt even know if i ever or still love you. our relationship had been categorized as pending since then. he even admitted that he's been avoiding me sometimes, after he realized that i had loved him too much. and he doesnt want to sink in any deeper for fear of being hurt too much so he stopped loving me but isnt it unfair? i've been hurt previously too yet i still give myself another chance but he doesnt give himself or me a chance. when my life's on the rocks last year, he told me he'll wait patiently. he's eating his own words, he just sweet talking to me last year. how can he say he want to stop when he realized i've sank in too deep in this relationship? he'll just leave me hanging in the air, not wanting to put my feelings into consideration?

i knew i couldnt have loved him this hard if he hadnt loved me that way too. and what he says now is that he always had restrictions when it comes to loving me. i felt myself in great happiness in the past and he replied that happiness isnt always there. what's all these about?

i love him and i hate him sometimes. he's my greatest disappointment of all.

2008-06-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

im pointing a gun towards my own head. how stupid can i get?
im running out of patience with him yet how can i get softhearted? with my itchy hands, i called him. asking where he is. just as i expected, he answered outside. for god's sake! who dont know you're outside? you're answering so stupidly and me, asked a stupid question which is as good as not asking at all.

goddamnit, since you're not replying my previous msgs, then why bother to call back? i should be used to you not picking up my calls or replying my msgs already, why doesnt i give up? im still waiting for the day you'll treasure me- f*cking stupid. i guess it makes no much difference even if you returned my call, cos it just happened so coincidentally that you suddenly remembered im your gf.

im so angry with myself, why cant i stick to my own principles? and thats why i hate myself, so fickle minded.. ass

2008-06-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

i like the way you look me into my eyes, while singing a song so touching.
i like the way you hug me in the waters, not willing to let go as you sing and stroll.
feels like i have the whole world and you to myself,
and that we're living in a moment of just you and me.
everything in non-existence, and wished the time would stop for the both of us.
but thing's changed, and we're no longer how we used to be.
but i never ever wanted to give up, just hoping for the day you'll be back again.
i'll be loving you, still. i'll be there whenever you need me to.
just speak up your mind, and you'll know i've never given up on you.
ups and downs, shall we go through together. just dont shut yourself in.
it hurts, the person who loves you so.

2008-06-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

looking at my own postings, im creating self-contradictions. its so hilarious. i must be out of my mind and everything's so crazy. f*ck it

2008-06-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

thin line shows, not deep enough, cant feel anything. so it goes again.
i did something stupid. something which i know its too stupid to begin with, just like the past when me and my friends used to treat it like fun. but somehow or rather, i can say that my heart aches too much for me to think and 'that' actually brings a relief. it does help in diverting the pain in my heart to other place- where the thin lines are.

i've had it. stop treating me like a doll, neither am i a puppet for entertaining your life story. you're just like a little girl who will take her doll out for a hair brush, to dote on when she feels like it. and on days when she's having a tantrum, she'll just kick, throw and step on it. imagine if the doll has feelings, she cant do anything but weep in silence. and i am the doll, you really makes my heart weep. you are nice to me when you feel like it, and when you're not in good mood, you think im irritating and have too much questions to ask.

the period of one week, im so determined last night but can i really hold out for so long? everytime i ask where you are, you'll reply outside. of course i know that you're outside if not i wont ask rite? in that case, might as well dont bother to msg me in the first place if you are going to reply my question this way. your reply is as good as i'd never asked before and so what if you bother to ask me to have my lunch. i dont need your passer-by attitude towards me. i dont need your 'oh, i suddenly remembered i still have a girlfriend and its way past lunch time' attitude. neither do i need your hypocritsy, act like you still remember and concern bout me. you can save those for others girls.

2008-06-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

i didnt know you're on leave, i didnt know you're going for reservice soon, i know nothing bout you. now, i dont think i need to know when is your reservice. i dont think i need to know anything bout you anymore. you're so predictable. go ahead and ignore my calls and msgs if thats what you want.

2008-06-21T02:00:00.000-07:00

i should say im desperate for help but i know its all in myself and him hopefully. maybe i should just stop hoping for hopes. im not good when it comes to talking, i've tried telling him what my feelings are but it just fail throughout. well, its good someone invented a blogger though, i can type out every little details in.

right now i can only act like nothing happen, he too. how i wished so badly to tell him that i feel so threatened in this relationship. and all i see is him ignoring those calls and deleting those msgs but who knows what's going on actually. he can jolly well did these just because im around. if i try to talk things out again, i know what's the result even before trying. he's gonna get pissed off. its not that i didnt try, i've tried several times and the results are still the same.

the day when im on mc, i was out with von and unexpectedly, she asked if i missed him. instead, i asked if i should miss him. maybe i dont really miss the leon i know right now but i missed the leon i know from the past few months.. badly.. the leon i know before things start to change.

2008-06-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Take A Bow

How 'bout a round of applause
Yeah...
Standing ovation

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like the re-run
Please, what else is on

And don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be
Faithful to me
Lets hear your speech ohh

How about a round of applause
A standing ovation

But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

But it's over now

2008-06-18T18:25:00.000-07:00

Better In Time

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remaind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

2008-06-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

thought it through? come to think of it, i had ever asked my mum if she's worried that dad might have a scandal outside and her reply was, no. in a relationship, if the other party doesnt love you anymore, its not gonna work by forcing it. you cant make a person love you if he doesnt love you anymore. and if he's gonna hide it from you, he'll take what he'd got to keep it all from you.

im tired, and he's tired too. now, i cant be bothered anymore. its true, no point worrying so much. i could say my heart is half dead already. times and times again, different girls from different countries. that's kind of wow. each texting i miss you and i love you, call me back as such. you claim that you dont return their calls, that they might really liked you but you dont care. it seems this way to me on the surface though. deleting all their msgs and ignoring all their calls when im around but who knows what you're actually been doing? your mum told me i must trust you and love means trust and respect. its true but tell me which girl can take all these? to treat like nothing happen though sometimes i cant take it anymore and questions start surfacing. im in such a threatened position in this relationship. just dont say you're maintaining this relationship which you totally dont care at all. it hurts everytime.

im giving all my love out to someone who doesnt reciprocate at all, and to be hoping stupidly that one day, he'll return it back to me. im giving my love all out to him yet he can send sweet msgs to someone he doesnt really know and i dont think he'd ever realized that he'd never did that for me and says or text i love you to me for months anymore. just what does he want? love me, keep me. if not, just tell me and i know what to do. dont give me false hope, sometimes passionate and sometimes cold and hard like a stone.

im on mc today and you doesnt ask why. i had already told lin, that you could be feeling happy instead to have peace without seeing me for one day. im not going to contact you throughout and lets see if you will take the intiative to text me. seriously, i dont have any hopes in it.

2008-06-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

whats the change in you? since when did we change? because you dont answer my questions, because of my questions or because of not returning my calls? none are the root of these changes. i can just tell you, its the beginning of march, the beginning of your case.

since then , when im still unaware of what's happenning, i can only guess and which appears to be right. that something went wrong. im your girlfriend, and when i came to know about the issue, i can only watch you- somewhat struggling in deep thoughts. i know i cant do anything about it, so i thought i just want to be there for you. its hurts me so much to see you like this and thats why questions keep surfacing, hoping that you'll share a load with me. but its all my wishful part of thinking cos you're the kind who keeps his heart and mouth shut. which ends up, my approach went totally wrong and my good intentions made you thought of avoiding me, to avoid my questions. indeed its been such a rough road for the both of us these few months. now i know why you've been forcing me to break off with you.

to be exact, you say you're advising me to break off but rather, your tone is already forcing me. you say you have no future, no directions of where you're going or where it'll lead you to. been trying to live life as days goes by and doesnt have much time left. had already decided to break off with me and not to look me up after you're in. if thats what you think, then you're totally wrong cos no one has ever given up hope on you, you're the stupid fellow who's giving up on yourself and everything in life yet you can still laugh when i made this remark. and if that what you think, instead of rejecting me and my care and concern, why cant you make me happier for this period of time?

so what if im young, so what if you claim that you dun wan to waste my time. so what if you dun wan me to wait for a hopeless, useless guy as what u say u are. so what if there is alot of guys who are alot better than you? all these are up to me to decide.
i've already told you- if you walk a path with no directions, i'll walk with you. if you wan to live life as days goes by, i'll accompany you. if you walk blindly, even if it means to knock on every little things, even if you were to bleed after hitting on, i will walk to the end with you. so stop pushing me away. i choose my own path, i choose who i wan to walk with ok?

from now on, if i ever try to make a step forward, to care for you more, its ok if you reject or take a step backward. cos you cant stop me from loving you, from caring for you even if you reject it all.

2008-06-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

which girl can accept her boyfriend having another girlfriend? another girl saying i love you and i miss you. if things were like what you've said, that you hasnt been contacting her, why is she msging and calling frequently? it could be you're actually contacting her still if not, she loves you so much that for so long, she's still persevering, hoping that you'll call her back. which you really did and refuse to tell me what you've told her.

then why would you like me in the first place? and made me fall in love with you so deeply. it hurts and you arent going to do anything about it. after so many months, 10 months to be exact, you can ask if someone from other country is counted as your girlfriend. it was then i came to know bout it. my heart sinks to a bottomless pit, i always thought im your girlfriend but out of the blue, i've became the third party. you refuse to draw a clear cut just because you simply dont care, be it whether you care bout her or not, i just feel that she's back.

i dont know what's the reason why you're forcing me to break off with you. everyone's telling me that if i love you, i must bear with all these, after your case ends but its been few months, no ups but just down, down and going under. how long am i able to bear with all these? like i've said, you're an unpredictable storm which sent me crying for help but no one is able to lend a helping hand to me. or instead, no one's willing to help.

i've cried a several times and you're only getting colder and colder. its as if i could break down any time but a warm touch of your palm against mine with locking fingers brought warmth to my almost dying cold cold heart. 80% of the time, snow is falling and only 20% of the time, a flame kindles in the cold wind. i can only hope for the 20% to last longer.

asking if you still loves me, you said no without hesitating then asks me to go back and think bout it. and if i cant feel your love, whats the point of being together. so what does it mean? thanks for the gucci wallet but i've not used it till now. maybe you can send it back to her, to show that you're appreciative. she could be more worthy of it? i just want to let you know, i dont need your gifts, i need your love. but if you refuse to make a clear cut, i will follow your decision. i'll let it be. end up, no matter how hard it is for me to accept it, i will still accept it. dont say breaking off will do me good. it doesnt and my heart doesnt want to let go.

2008-05-15T02:50:00.000-07:00

I'll Be There For You
I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love it's suicide

You say you're cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

I know you know we've had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday

And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

[Solo]
And I wasn't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

2008-05-15T02:40:00.000-07:00

Soulmate

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

2008-05-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

im curious, to know who you're msging. cos im scared yet you don't ask why. your answer? simply becos you don't bother. you remain silent as you cant be bothered but at least you care? such as asking have i eaten? as for your ex, i know i cant compare but why cant you put in just a little bit more effort, concern and care for me? i don't ask much, do i? what have i done, why treat me in such a manner? on the other hand, it must be karma upon myself. hilarious aint it? you just simply don't care.

which girl doesnt long for assurance? who doesnt wish to feel loved? you told me you're not alfred, you cant give me the assurance and asked me to consider again, that its not too late to regret. its always the same old sentence- its still not too late to regret. then it'll be the same old answer, i wont regret. im still hanging on. just a lil bit of assurance? please?

now you tell me there's no need for you to try to speak up. to try, means to force yourself and a person is very hard to change. a couple need not tell each other everything but just some basics, is it too much to ask? thats why i say i only know you on the surface. you can happily go to jb, until rina called and say she cant get thru your phone. i called for few hours until it went thru and after probing further, then i know you went jb. again, just now its only until i ask what you're doing then i know you're out. just a msg to let me know beforehand, is it too much to ask? again?

am i being too possesive? does the problem lies with me? to you, being together means we'll be together. if not, too bad then. its quite shock and sad to hear this coming out from someone you hold so dearly in your heart, someone you love so much. you asked why do i have to love so painfully? why stick to someone like him who doesnt know or give any assurance? its becos i love you too much to let go and that i don't mind. the same old question came up again, to consider and its still not too late to regret but i'll still hang on. seriously, you're the only one i wish to settle down with so far but with all this we arent going anywhere. anyway you didnt say you want to settle down with me isnt it?

2008-05-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

well, i've took the courage to sing for you. in order to attend, i did and u said i could. but now, you're asking me why must i go. seems like what i've told you previously, you've forgotten it all. i just want to be there for you. like i said, i know i can't do anything bout it but at least let me be there for you and i just want to be there. do i deserve that attitude of yours? im feeling so terrible these few days. sorrow filled my heart up within a second when i see him happily with others except for me. seems like he's so turned off upon seeing me and does he still love me? im like the only one hanging on and he drifts further and further away. what did i do wrong? sometimes i feel loved, sometimes i don't- its back to square one. what did i do wrong that you're giving me the cold shoulder. you're just like an unpredictable storm. you hate me to probe further but you refuse to tell me anything. for that, i said nvm. yet you could shoot me straight 'why ask then' before i finish my sentence

i just know you as leon, as my boyfriend. knowing that someone called leon actually existed who came into my life and now, my boyfriend. nothing else. i don't know you from inside, i know nuts bout what you actually are thinking bout. its very tiring to guess your mind. you can ask me to heck care, not to ask so much, no need to guess what you're thinking. for you, easy to say but is it easy to fufill? is that what a couple should be? you say im young, naive or watch too much shows but in fact, you're the one who's too heck care, cant be bothered. from what i know bout your past, you asked what have you done wrong to be treated badly by your ex, you cared so much. now, when it comes to me being your girlfriend, you totally cant be bothered. why cant you put yourself into my shoes and consider bout my feelings? i am you back then.

you've said sorry, and that you'll try to tell me whats in your mind but you never try at all. so i guessed what you've said to me after le baroque that day is nothing but drunken words? am i such a fool to believe all that. my heart's crying, my heart's bleeding and im on the verge of giving up.

2007-12-21T01:50:00.000-08:00

christmas' coming! my fav festive of the year and my fav song- last christmas =)
aint christian but i just love the feel, the sprit of giving haax. but this month im low on budget. what can i get for everyone? hmmm

2007-12-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

-Last Christmas-

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tearsI'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognize me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me
Happy Christmas

I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you", I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Special

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you, and your soul of ice
I thought you were someone to rely on
Me, I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A friend to discover with a fire in her heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love, you'll never fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

2007-12-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

so sweet, he sang me a birthday song which really melts my heart away. as we stroll from bugis to ps, finally managed to find the courage to sing for me, hmmm really appreciates it =) that stretch of road gonna be memorable.

its all i need and he's all i need =)

2007-12-06T02:00:00.000-08:00

its kind of tiring to have expectations held up high knowing that the higher it stands, the greater the disappointment will come crashing in next. but i just cant help it. mann

today, its just like any other days. nothing special bout it.

thousands of sorries for suggesting mount faber where we totalled my dad's car last week. we paid responsibility but ended up having to eat grass throughout the month.
there's no need for him to apologise bout a late present though. its not that i dont understand the situation we’re in right now. in fact, i dont need any present from him. cos he's already a gift from haven to me. there's so many people who came into my life and i couldnt ask for anything more.

just, he apologised to me again, for a birthday which is so boring. but its not boring at all. though it rained the whole day, i only know that no matter rain or shine, nothing matters to me so long as he's around. but my bad habit kick up again, i just cant help hoping for something. indeed a birthday wish before i board the bus melts my heart away. hmmm, a birthday song for me would be so nice too. but sweet enough for him saying he would wait for me to reach home before he turns in.

guess i'll be staying at home for the day. a simple dinner with him maybe.

2007-12-03T01:45:00.000-08:00

thousands of thanks to all my friends who showed up at the gathering last saturday. u guys are the greatest and definitely what else can i ask for? mann, there's no need for any presents, u guys are the gift from haven to me! that i wont ask for anything much.

i enjoyed that day. thoroughly!!

let us all remain like this for life. many thanks, i just love u guys sooo much!

2007-11-16T00:45:00.000-08:00

damn my com. down with virus and i cant seem to clear it! gotta do some back up and send it for re-format. wth

2007-10-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

once again, test date on 29th feb 08 which is fucking faraway! let it be then. enrol for bikeee!
boring..

2007-10-26T01:40:00.000-07:00

face the f**king fact that i've failed the test. all over again? indeed and i've got no more time to lose. quit and join the previous company? i would like to but i dunno how to put my words into action. like a lost lamb floating in space..

didnt even know what im thinking right now, so how do i know which step to take? my target is set but how to keep things going on, i wouldnt want to set high hopes to find myself having a greater disappointment in the end.

if i cant get an earlier slot, meanwhile i'll take riding. gonna be a lil hard but i reap what i sowed so maybe thats why i'd failed yea?

1. get what i want then
2. leave
3. get a new job
4. get a test date meanwhile
5. take up riding
while waiting
6. save up
7. work hard
8. by may 3k
9. by june aprillia 125!

so far, i'll stick to this plan then.

WHO WHAT HOW WHEN WHY

2007-10-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

stop whining and get some confidence! thanks all those darlings who really cheers me up and putting their hopes on me. haax

i'll try my very best and not to disappoint y'all..

in 11 more hours, here i go! give it my best shot and get it over and done fast once and for all!!! way to go girl!
i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i can do it i CAN do it!!!!!! woo hoo!

2007-10-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

2 more days to go.. accepting all best wishes from now on! haax

2007-10-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

i've got a lil secret. vonn knows. sarah knows too, as well as some other peeps. definitely not him, and he's gonna be the last to know- a secret which i have to keep till next year haax.

might be too early to say or even plan but thats wat gives me ample time to save up too. good luck to myself then, even if i have to bring bread to work. there's times like yesterday when i nearly blurt out but i really have to have stong determination to keep tat in mind. thats supposed to be a surprise yea.. fretting over how the surprise should goes. help me with some suggestions! haax

2007-10-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

counting down again.
3 more days to go~

vonn's starting school tmr and i'll be lonely at nike =( haax. on wed, if i fail, several ppl will receive my call and if im crying u guys will know i've failed haha. if i pass, serveral ppl will receive my call too and i'll be screaming my heart out saying yea mann! i passed! haha. then vonn will see me outside her school after lessons cos i'll be fetching her home then.

praying real hard..

2007-10-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

4 more days to go. holy shit

2007-10-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

goddamnit. counting down the days to my tp- 5 more days to go!

am i really prepared to go thru the test? trying hard not to think bout it though impossible. everytime it comes into mind, i feel my heart pace fast. i know i will panic on that day, now i cant do anything but try to settle my heart down. i know i cant afford to fail, im even worrying bout where to get the money for the test. my mom and dad will have a heart attack.

this driving had gotten me into a real mess. im struggling and suffocating from all the financial support its draining me of. i've worked part time but all the money goes into it, i had to sought help from my parents which all along, im very unwilling to. they've got their own problems too.. indeed i shopped, lemmi see.. its my first time getting 2 shoes at one go, my first shopping spree in 19 years. maybe not even a shopping spree yet, just few clothes and trying to find stuffs at the most budget rate.

and the next problem surface, wat full time job should i look for? i have to start saving for my dip course and his bdae present after getting my license. thats why i cant afford to fail! i dont want to postpone my plan again, especially my studies.

oh god, god, god, god, god.. just let me get this over fast. suffocating, in fact suffocated.
pray real hard. humans, thats what they'll do when they're desperate..

2007-10-18T02:10:00.000-07:00

as i was updating my friendster profile, i flipped thru past comments my friends left for me. indeed they brings back all the good memories, so sweet yet on the other hand, sad as everyone's busy leading their own lives now. people do move on and im glad i still have some who move on together with me.

so flattered and honored but as stated in the comments, am i really as nice as what they define me as? its feels good to be treated nicely and i'll still be the same, trying my best to be nice to all my friends =)

we walked the sands.
though some went seperated ways,
but im glad they left footprints behind.
and im most fortunate to have some,
who walked with me throughout.

footprints are just like memories which leaves a trail in your mind.
>pray hard no high tide please..

2007-10-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

after.

nike elush hollywood night

nike power!!

2007-10-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

i had a great deal of fun today! my first dinner and dance in 19 years and i enjoyed it thoroughly. we rented costumes and met up at traders hotel after work to change into those outfits and started taking so much photos before the dinner starts, like we're all some kind of stars eh..

von- cleopatra

maybelline- snow white

me- robin hood

zarifa- captain jack sparrow

is- harry potter

landy- flintstone

ash- spiderman

alvin- austin powers

and many more..

the emcee prepared some games for us and it was hell out of fun mann, divided into 2 groups; sexy and horny and competed thru out. hmmm, the food's not bad too..

the best part, i just cant imagine myself in robin hood outfit with running shoes dancing RnB on the dance floor and i did. the rest were there too so it doesnt really feel awkward haha.. lotsa ppl join in the fun too and soon after that we had the bess dressed competition. everyone gotto do a catwalk and i totally throw my face away, jammed up halfway and walk back with a tomato face. haha

paragon is real cool. everyone participated in the dressing, wheelock's not bad too with me and zaini and some.. the most sportaneous definitely goes to paragon. guess thru out the competition there's only paragon and wheelock. the rest of the outlets wore formal.. awww.

results........

landy and zaini walks off with a $150 cash cheque for getting the most votes.

during the lucky draw, paragon's staffs won the most prizes. in fact for different kinds of prize giving, there's definitely paragon included. they're all so funky. me? not bad, i won a pair of shoes. $50 for the costume rental but its totally worthwhile.

i love dinner and dance!!

2007-10-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

dinner and dance tmr! had no idea what to wear yet. pirates of caribbean, captain jack sparrow? orlando bloom in lord of the rings? harry potter? awww, gonna see what the costume shop carries first.. eat up all the foods and bottoms up is something im prepared to do hahaha!

my first dinner and dance in 19 years. hope it'll be lotsa fun!!

2007-10-13T04:45:00.000-07:00

bann zouk!! haha.. the music sucks =( its kind of a disappointment as we intended to have real fun clubbin together before von starts school. well, we went out with the right group just that we chose the wrong place. we should've stick to MOS yea? haha

its soooo packed and we really had to squeeeeze our way out, friggin warm at the dance floor and just a teeny weeny space to dance. pathetic? phuture gotto expand it sq metres and add nice songs in and it'll be best ah.. haha

though not as wat we expected, but within ourselves we joked and laughed heartily while having supper.. so i guess the best part is not about the place but the company we had. cheers to everyone!

2007-10-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

yesterday,
though it get cloudy but it din rain! so happy.

its so nice to have a good picnic together. sandwiches, nuggets, tidbits yumm.. well, fifi can swim but she's too old to swim for long but polo's good at it mann. =) the water wrestling would be a draw eh? haha

watched resident evil after that and i guess part 4 will be very nice too. then, supper at timah- heh heh heh fattening! woah its been a long day, im all worn out.

today,
awhile more im gonna take a nap to conserve my energy for clubbin later on. get high! and have fun all the way. so excited but confused bout wat to wear still. he's tired, din get enough slp after a tiring long day yesterday but really hope he'll be there as well..

2007-10-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

its raining now.. gosh, hope and pray hard that it doesnt rain tmr.

von, wk, fei min, jason and leon..
its gonna be my first time bringing fifi out for a swim. fei min's bringing her pup too! damn excited la. we're going to have a real picnic this time round. with sandwiches and oh! damn, i forgot bout getting drinks..

awww, have an additional bag to pack. fifi's bag haha!

lets play 3v3 for the water game. im going to train not to laugh! its war time!!

2007-10-06T23:55:00.001-07:00

@ starbucks. a snap shot vonn took, my toot face! haha i should face it, im on candid camera! =)

2007-10-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

its been a lovely day though it rained for a lil while at the end.
a lovely time i get to enjoy with him and my marshmallow. a couples' outing where the both of us had our other half as company and didnt get bored.

well, its starting to get funny..
couple #1- ling and leon
couple #2- von and wk

the four of us swam together and had a lil romantic private time in the waters. end up #2 challenged us for a water game. we sat on the shoulders of our boy and tried to push either one to see who falls into the water first. well, im the one who drops into the water all the time cos i've been laughing non stop.

...

#2 went to get slurpees so we looked after the belongings and played volleyball. awhile later, we went into the waters and god, he's being real sweet! =) all along, im in his warm arms. feels myself in happiness. though dramatic but there's only us in the waters while he sang some short tunes. sorry guys, those are dedicated specially for me only! haha

we should have drove our way in and brought fifi along. next week! im gonna plan for more sentosa outings..

2007-10-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.

2007-10-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

just in time for the swim after my driving though i missed the gym workout. there's still other chances yea? im so excited and had the urge to plunge into the pool but nahx, have an image to keep. woohoo! hahaha.. after the swim, we went central and had subway for dinner. cant believe me and sarah ate a foot long of sandwiches each!

tmr me and von will have our own plan. sentosa! here we go! its been soooo long since we last went for a swim, tann and picnic at palawan beach. this time round, with our other half and im even excited mann.. too bad sarah says she got something on, we'll arrange another time with u then!

oh pls, dun rain on us.......

2007-10-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

say whatever u guys want. i dun give a damn anymore.

its not that i din make the first step to approach but since no one appreciate that, i can say i jolly well no need u guys anymore. maybe in the first place to know this group is a mistake.

im all and all satisfied enough to have my usual own group of friends, my real family.. those who accept who i am and doesnt question my character at all.

2007-10-05T00:50:00.001-07:00

oh mann. im damn hungry =)

2007-10-05T00:50:00.000-07:00

i saw them, they didnt see me though. dont know why my heart paces.
i avoided that area and leaves as soon as i withdrawed my cash. didnt bother to say hi at all.
since no one bothers, why should i in the first place? which makes me look like a dumb ass few days ago..

time we've known each other isnt short. 5 years. says we're very close, treats me like a family but doesnt seem so. instead, i've come to realise 5 years of friendship is only superficial, so shallow and so, just admit it.

i dont want to pin point and blame anyone but seems like there's this someone who's making up stories and making this canal deeper and wider. just because i've chosen a different path doesnt mean u can question my character. all along im true towards all my friends and stop looking at things only on the surface.

i can announce to this friggin world, that i've come out of the box. i've chosen the boat instead of the dock. life's all about taking risks, staying at the same spot for fear of taking a step and fall down wont get u anywhere. by preventing yourself from exploring, u wont get to see life at a different way so.....

a penny for my thoughts- breaking up is better than betraying. so wat if i've chosen someone else? at least there's no need for me to lie to myself and others.

ps: if anyone's gonna lie to your partner, think twice cos u're making yourself miserable and others miserable if the truth comes to light. if u want to lie, make sure you're capable of taking it to your own grave in future. i've made mistakes too and this is what i've realised..

2007-10-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

woke up to find no answers for the questions i had in mind.

falling asleep to get some answers but to no avail.
not even a dream..

2007-10-01T03:20:00.000-07:00

its been a very nice evening out shopping with him. we got havanas and went billy bombers' for a nice cup of cookies n cream shake.
marina square's billy bombers', the first time we went together and he knew i loved it.
even before i finish my sentence, he completed it for me- lets have billy bombers' cookies n cream shake after shopping. =)
too bad, the evening ended in just a flash. time flies when im with him and how i wished time could just stop there.
back again at home, my heart drops thinking of everything i've heard. no one can give me an answer and i've been hoping for my dream to help me then.

2007-10-01T01:45:00.000-07:00

tell me, do trust, faith and hope really exist? i'll be picking up broken pieces of glasses in the end. the glasses of trust, faith and hope.. shattered within seconds.

2007-09-28T03:10:00.000-07:00

im so touched by the entry u've wrote, its real sweet of u..
i've got sweet-tooth, i could've chosen other sweet stuffs
but u know why marshmallow?

u're a simple and nice girl
but sweet within.
just like a marshmallow,
simple and plain
but simply delicious!
not trying to say u're plain but being natural is what most captivating.
shall we just be plain janes instead?
slim down and captivate more eyes haha
and im sure i've led a brilliant life more than anyone else.
=)

hmmm
i dont mind we as the old wok and wok-cover.
or the new ah von/ ah teng and ah shu.

or a fern lying within the rain tree's branches
cos i know the rain tree wouldnt mind suporting the fern as and when the fern needs it.
who knows? it might be the rain tree who needs the fern as much.

2007-09-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

i was nothing but a dumb fuck today .
i thought i was on full shift .
hell no, pm !
i could have sleep in more .
haa, but i'm not alone .
marshmallow made the same mistake too !
hence, we make a detour t topshop .
early in the morning where the changing room Q is
not long .
(:
few more hours, her spree will start!
our evil plan too .
muhahahaha

marshmallow is tan chen teng !

-quote from tct, edited by tsl.

2007-09-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

taken last week when we were in west coast park, high up on the rope-climbing pyramid! cheers to u, my dear.. to think that u would climb up with me, a childish monkey over here! haha

2007-09-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

its one day after mooncake festival yet mooncake festival without candles are so weird.. every year i'll be lighting up candles but my baobei had fallen sick =( he's feverish and really makes my heart pain to see him so restless.. though we cant get to light candles together today but there's still other chances eh? maybe within these few days though the festival is over but i guess it'll still be meaningful to me.

2007-09-23T01:55:00.000-07:00

went shopping with my mom and bro just now. for the first time, my mom actually had the energy to shop for some time. instead of my mom who always grumbles at shopping, this time round was my bro who's tired haha..

a pair of heels caught my eye and i was on the verge of buying it but seems to be the last display set. i dont mind actually but when i tried on both sides, they felt different as one of it was more seasoned than the other. the sales person tried other outlets but to no avail and it seems to be the last pair in singapore. so sadded
i dun wanna regret afterwards but, oh mann..........

well, i din buy it afterall yet im still thinking bout it. how?

2007-09-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

im enjoying these two months of life! its been ages since i went out so often, or maybe almost everyday till i din get to see my mom for weeks. its either after work i'll be slacking at coffee club with von n sarah, or shop and even had some sleep overs at sarah's house which is goddamn fun.. its been ages since i club too. love it, love it! love the way my life is now.
club and enjoy till u drop, thats the way of life! haha

but..

omg, my tp's nearing, felt so excited but worried too.. if i were to fail i gotto wait till febuary but i cant afford to wait! waiting means more money spent on more lessons, and dragging my $$ saver plan for my bakery course.... sianed

2007-07-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

im missing someone right now.

ppl told me to play hard to catch but how? i dont do this kind of stuffs. u like it, just say it but why do ppl have to beat around the bush? i just dont know how and i dont want to.

2007-07-19T06:16:00.000-07:00

didnt i just say i was no longer unemployed? now, i was really unemployed again.

alfred gave me the chance to work in hotel line and when i start to like the job, he took it away from me again. last year when i had the intention to let go of this relationship, i couldnt bear to let go but guess that was the mistake i made. and when i broke off with him, several think that im heartless but its no point for me to give him a chance. its true that im very determined to break off with him so i wont have 2nd thought. im happy living my life this way now.

most importantly, im happy to know someone who came into my life recently haha..

2007-06-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

im no longer unemployed! haha, been searching for admin jobs all this while and i ended up working in a hotel as front desk exec. so excited as its another new experience but i have to say bye bye to my 'life'! lets welcome the beginning of my 'no-life' and the ending of my 'life'! hehe.

maybe i should go out and have fun while i can yea? omg, but im left with 2 more days to have fun, play some mahjong, 'chiong' my games or my cartoon series hahaha.. anyway cheers to me! haha..

2007-05-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

well, something good happen to me at least.

i managed to spot a group of dogs and their owners having a gathering at a park. they're so far away that the dogs looked like a tiny speck but i managed to spot them though haha. well, actually the reason; i was intentionally looking out far hoping i was able to spot some huskies taking a walk. =D

guess im really thick skinned, haha. i walk all the way up to take a closer look and asked if i could stroke them. there were 2 huskies, a beagle, a labrador retriever and a shetland mixed. i've only got 2 hands and was really busy stroking each and one of them. they're so soft and warm! able to mix around with the dogs really brighten up my day.

suddenly i thought of maya, a mongrel i rescued few months ago. a real darling and was adopted by an american family in sg. she's living so happily and im glad too. though i missed her much.

i love love love love love dogs sooooo much =D

2007-05-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

im unemployed. haha.
been looking for jobs, sending resumes and receiving calls for the past few weeks but none really works out well though.

worse comes to worst, we've been bickering these few days and today, i think we broke our record. 2 times a day, upon hearing it i felt disgusted mann. im so sick n tired and im sure he too but it really seems like we just cant get along well during a period of the month. not referring to me having pms haha. obviously im not in any pms mood but my day was totally destroyed when we started to bicker. i thought i would have a great day ahead huh. haha

enough said, im going to watch one super retro cartoon.

2007-03-28T04:11:00.000-07:00

Boring! Scions of Fate is down at the moment and i cant train at all.

Well, im so angry with him! He's such a big bad bastard! For almost every week lasting for one whole month, he always misunderstood what i've said and we always end up quarrelling big time.

Its true that last week i always asked him to play mahjong when he's tired. But working so many OTs in consecutive days made me waited for him for so long hours and which eventually i grows so sick and tired staying at home facing the com for so long. Of course i will ask to go out! But he doesnt allow me to go alone neither does he want to accompany me over! Maybe i should say he allow me to go but he say it in a very unwilling way. Who will be so stupid to really go out when he actually said ok in such a way?! And so, for those few days we quarrel everyday just on a going out issue! Damn! Big time coversation breakdown k? Whatever i think this way, he doesnt agree with it and said that way, then i dont agree with him and insist on this way. What the hell? So sick and tired..

Finally the day before, i used a 'returning of vcd' excuse to make my way to my friend's house and play mahjong for just a teeny while. But in the end he misunderstood what i've said again today. Things doesnt go for a better way instead huh..

Just because out of kindness, i went to malaysia and bought some treats for my friend's dog cos she like it and he assumed that im using the same old method to go to my friend's house. But NO!! Why does he have to think it this way? Its so absurd. Sometimes it doesnt pay to be kind? Haha.. Hmmm..

Since he always complained that he's tired, then y can he play Scions of Fate till 3am yesterday? Knowing that he have to work in the morning.. Just as i used this issue to tease him, he thought im kind of blaming him. See! Misunderstanding again. Communication breakdown, communication crash, whatever it can be.

Im really damn tired. Sometimes when i thought of his sweet times, i smiled but when i think of all these bad stuffs, i get so 'f up'. Sometimes i really wonder if he's really the guy for me. Somehow, i wanted to let go but somehow i know i will miss him. Or maybe im just scared if one day i live to regret it.

If things really turn out well for us, of course its good but if we realized we're not for each other after dragging for so long, i really think if im going to waste my youth like this.. Who should tell me what to do anyway?

2006-03-20T04:27:00.000-08:00

i was working at Lavish as usual, but this time in mediacorp- for the first star idol.. luckily, the buffet function starts at 10pm so i could stand at the side of the stage watching the whole show. its the first time i saw 'live' at mediacorp hahaha.. i could see the five judges too! suddenly Bryan Wong approached me and ask if i got tissue haha, lame but i was very shocked. he's tall and kinda handsome too, i should say.

anyway, i was so glad that Bryan won the star idol, he was soooo handsome, tall and tann. especially his smile was so charming, like a 'yang guang nan hai' haha. as the buffet start, i have to do the porridge counter but he and leo was standing right in front of me! yet i dare not take his photo cos i need to work.. haix.

soon after the buffet ended, i ran over to the other side where some reporters were interviewing him. i waited and waited for those stupid reporters to finish their interview so that i can go over to take photo with Bryan. but they took such a long time and as alfred keep nagging that we need to go back to work, i got pissed off and walked back to work. Bryan was just three steps away from ME!! he was right in front of me and i din get the chance. so disappointed.. =(

even after we clear everything up and ready to leave, Bryan was still sitting at a couch but i just walked past him. am i stupid? haix, totally regretful.. =( anyway, its true that we must grab hold of every chance in front of us as chances will not wait for us but slip by

2006-01-11T05:24:00.000-08:00

hmmm, life's so boring! tmr i'll be going for an interview at paya lebar.. as a sales promoter for I.P zone haha, hope i'll get the job mann.. Haha i just pontent today, meaning pontent my job at lot 1. well, the staffs there were all malaysians who were like, snobbish?! feel so outcast everyday, sianx.. mayb working at I.P zone will be better as there's more teenagers?.. well, wish me good luck!! haha..

2005-11-22T04:00:00.000-08:00

i quitted poly last week.. finally out of that hellish place but im sure everyone will b shocked now.. i noe ther will b many misunderstanding right now but i find it very hard to cope in ther. my wish is to get into business course but i ended up in a 'full of maths' course.. all along in wsss, i had difficulty in maths, having slow understanding but at least it got 4 years to let me slowly understand it but in poly i had to do it in 1/2 year time. i tried to stay happy in sch but cant, its like no one's willing to study with me and teach me. and no much good friends too, or even none.. now, im out of poly but this fri im going for an interview in an admin company, hope it'll turn out fine..

if i can get the job, i'll try my best to save up for my registration in a private business school but i guess it'll b after 2 years, after i get a bike license and travelling will be much more easier for me.. for the past few weeks, i kept quarrelling with my parents bout my sch thingy but they finally gave in, i promised them to study after working.. i think no one will believe me as i might lose interest in studying in future but i noe finding a job with just an O level cert is very diff.. i wont live my life without a dip. and good job..

i noe my friends tot that its so wasted for me to quit as many of them cant get in. i noe its a pity but i find that getting in a course which im totally not interested in is truly hard to cope especially with subj. which im reali not good at. i totally had no heart to continue studying the course. i hate it and i hate going to tat school.. famous but not good.. i noe no one believe that i'll study in future as ther are live examples of friends who forsake studying and went to work which life's isnt good for them at all.. but no one understand my feelings, everytime i think of it, i feel sad.. but trust me k? i wont want to have a job with low pay, i want to lead a good life haha.. ngiap told me life is short, dun waste my life away which i wont.. i will continue upgrading myself. i noe everyone hopes the best for me, dun worry guys! anyway i felt a lot happier when im out of the sch, a lot happier when i noe im going to do things which im happy with.. sorry guys, somehow i felt i have done something sorry to u all.. i still feel so sad when i tot of everyone...

2005-11-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

Aiya, now i finally post liaox mahx.. Haha, u guys should understand that its kinda rare for my sis to lend me her com as onli her com got internet.. But now, her com broke down and she cant live without it, so for the time being, my com was allowed to use her modem.. Just FOR the time being ONLI.. Hahahahaha.. I'll try to post more frequent la, but as my life is far too normal nowadays, i cant possibly post those 'bo liao' topics one mahx haha.. Im sure u all will be bored by it too.. Sometimes post, sometimes dun post, be secretive mahx hahaax.. Then u all will be full of expectations, hoping to see wats new in my blog and boring life... Wahahaha.. Sori ah, i noe its lame but im going crazy with my school days soon and again!!! Arggh.. Haha

Im being transferred into another new class again and i dunno if its good or bad.. mayb my frens last sem is better? or? ..... Bad, mayb its becos im all alone with all the new faces and everyday im getting quieter and quieter.. Getting dumb soon HAHA.. Oh, and just to remind u guys, do read my new post, the one before this and c wat big thing has happened to me.. Im sure u'll be pissed off too hahaha.. Take care and hope we'll have a gathering soon.. Hip hip hooray!!! =)

2005-11-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

Oh my!! wat the hell?! Arggh, made me so 'du lan' just now siak.. Me, and my two sis and their frenx actualli wanna go clubbin at Pyramid M.O.S so we travelled all the way by MRT but who knows, it actualli closed down already.. =( Haix, so outdated liaox, close down also dunno hahaha.. Worst still, when we decided to go town, i met some fucked-up teenagers in the train..

At first i already tot something was amiss when i saw two handphones(with cameras) which they're holding onto was pointing at my direction but i still cant confirm yet so i act as if nothing happened but 'suay suay' i actualli saw MYSELF in the handphone screen tat bitch was holding on!!! i was sooooo damn pissed off mann.. i believed wat i saw, cant be wrong, cos the handphone screen was so BIG, and im not 'shoot the bird' type of ppl lorx.. We're supposed to alight at Raffles Place(or City Hall) station to transfer train but i asked wei shi they all to alight the next stop instead cos i need to do some talking or scolding or watever.. As soon, i walked straight up to them and stood in front of them, they seemed shocked and crowd together immed.(as if they were studying the dust in their handphone_ HAR! HAR!) and i confronted the 2 guys and the gal.. Anyway, how can they just take pictures of anyone whom they dun even know at all, in public some more!! Thats totally ATROCIOUS!!! So fucking 'pek chek' lorx, me and wei shi started scolding them but they denied taking pics of me.. Com'on la, they even asked me to check their phones if i dun believe them but they looked so GUILTY!! And of course, they would have deleted them away.. Before that when she took the pics, i even heard the gal cried out, "Aiya! The effect is so foggy, not clear one!" Who wants a not-clear photo? Surely will delete away de lorx. And ppl like me they also wan to take pic of.. Very pretty mehx?! My elder sis and her frenx all said that the gal was so shocked and would have cried out if i were to scold them even more furiously but so? Then dun anyhow take picture lorx.. If wan my no. then say la!! Hahaha... Wat if they go edit my photo and post it on internet? Then i kanna lorx.. I'll be the 'suay' one then...... If they reali did, next time i see them, it'll be their death date.. Even if they were to become ashes, i'll remember them!!!! Hmph...

Its such a bad day for me yea? Actualli should be a happy, clubbin nite but turned out disastrous..

2005-09-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

OH MY goodyness.. Haiz, exams coming in 4 more days! Haha, who knows? I might need to see my lecturers agaiin next year haha.. Well, I reali started to slack behind and reali hate this course mann, its like, so DIFFICULT!! Arggh... Cant get anything right.. Wat to do, nothing rite? Can onli bear with it hor? Haha.. If i would reali bear with it for 3 years, I must be kinda power liaox lorx... Cant wait for holiday!!!! Jia you bahx!! Hahahahahaha..